Celebrity

I can conservatively be called a huge Woody Allen fan. I think Crimes & Misdemeanors, Manhattan, and Sweet & Lowdown are three of my favorite films. Even his lessor works (Scoop, Mighty Aphrodite, Hollywood Ending) have enough intriguing elements to keep me involved. The man can flat out write, and just listening to his dialogue is, usually, enough to keep me engaged for hours. Never before have I ever watched one of his films without feeling like I got something out of it - that changed with Celebrity. Really this was a complete and utter misfire in every way. Nothing worked. The satire felt flat and completely devoid of any reality, there were subplots that didn't seem to have any point, and none of the characters engaged me on any level. Really the entire thing felt like a satire of Woody Allen films made by someone who hates him.

Look the man averages a film every other year, so the quality is bound to fluctuate. =In a way I glad he got everything that didn't work into this one film rather than making a string of duds. That said until last night I could confidently say that even bad Woody Allen is better than 90% of all the other stuff that comes out and I'll miss being able to be that pretentious.

One Tree Hill - Deep Ocean Vast Sea

The title already has me excited, and the episode description is:Haley considers taking matters into her own hands when Nathan's scandal threatens his endorsement deals.

Let's ignore for the fact that unless Nathan is suddenly endorsing Berean Bible Bookstores, I can't think of any sponsors that would actually dump and NBA star because of the allegation of impropriety. What interests me is that Haley apparently doesn't decide to get involved until the money get cut off. Perfect.

-Episode starts with a Rainstorm Body Spray commercial getting cut off before the shoot because the sponsor got skittish. The commercial was set to star Nathan laying in bed with a scantily clad model, so this is like Axe dumping somebody who might have slept around.
-Millie is partying for the second night in the row with Alex. We can tell it was crazy because her hair is standing
-Dan asks Renee (groupie) to appear on his TV show to tell her story. I'm sure this will go well
-Nathan gets mad when Haley (reasonably) asks about Renee's number showing up all over his cell phone bill. Nathan's response: I'm an NBA star, girls get my number. I respond to each of them individually and explain that while I appreciate their interest, I am happily married and my wife trusts me. This is of course easier than, I don't know, ignoring them. He finishes by saying "I guess I did lie haley...about my wife trusting me." BURN!
-I'm so bored with the Millie as a model storyline
-At least the show acknowledges that Nathan would still be employed by an NBA team with this scandal. It just means he's going to get paid a lot less.
-Now Haley wants to pay groupie off to say she lied, basically because it would be less than what he's losing in endorsements. I wonder if she did the appropriate present value calculations to reach that decision
-Awww, Nathan's agent is already having an existential crisis so this whole Nathan scandal thing is really harshing his mellow.
-I hate to keep harping on this, but the fact that Nathan is losing endorsements is killing me. Kobe actually had to go to trial and all I think he lost was Nutella.
-Julian asks Mia if she ever met anyone on tour who surprised her with their talent. She said Chris Martin (not really). He apparently doesn't believe that Alex could write the improved script. Bigot
-Nathan's agent, Clay, talks to a strange woman in the bar from his past - My guess is that she's a hallucination
-Haley tells Nathan that she's paying Renee, no argument. Momma want a bigger house I guess
-Brooke realizes that Alex is just acting like high school Brooke. Hmmm, I wish I knew brooke in high school
-Mouth goes all network and goes on the air with a heavy handed criticism about the network's coverage of the scandal. He then encourages the viewers to stop watching in protest. It ends with his slow-mo walk out of the studio. Tremendous
-HAHAHAHAHA Millie sneakes some of Alex's diet pills. I'm suddenly liking where this is going. If she ends up crying in the corner after getting addicted I am going to be so happy.
-According to the cast bios 90% of the female cast modeled in teen vogue (my estimate). That includes Mouth.
-Brooke fires Alex and gets mad at Julian - exits by saying 'Ciao Bitches'
-Haley has a change of heart about paying Renee off, but she feels bad because Nathan might lose his career. Seriously.
-Mystery woman apprently not a hallucination
-Millie sneaks off to have a diet pilll...excellent
-Episode ends with Quinn, who previously admitted a fear of the vastness of the ocean, walking off into the sea. It would be awesome if she stays.

One Tree Hill - Your Cheating Heart

Let's get right into this shall we:

-Haley smacking the groupie is all over the youtubes, she is sooooooooooooooo embarrassed
-Brooke doesn't trust Alex working with Alex. Because Alex is hot and easy you see. Julian temporarily calms the crazy down by promising to knock Brooke up at some point
-Hah! Haley is actually cuffed and arrested for slapping the groupie. Good to see Tree Hill law enforcement is all over this.
-Nathan freaks out because he can't get ahold of his agent or haley's sister (who are shacking up together) and apparently he's unable to bail Haley out on his own.
-Millie wearing a t-shirt with a crayon on it is such a big hit that Brooke wants to make her a model full time...and there's that
-Apropos of nothing I love Tom Brady and his 43 fantasy points in one half
-Haley is in the tank with a couple of prostitutes and battered women- they sass her and they have a focus group about how much men cheat. This will not mess with her head in any way I'm sure
-I need to reiterate that Nathan avoids bailing Haley out until his agent shows up hours later because he is apparently incapable of doing it himself.
-Groupie chick decides to drop charges, and tells Haley Nathan was drunk that night and tells Haley to see if her number shows up on Nathan's old cell phone bills
-Alex gets naked for Julian, he freaks out and runs off on her. She can't understand why he won't sleep with her
-Millie's high powered new job as a 'model' keeps her from spending time with Mouth. He cries.
-Dan calls and tries to help Nathan - he is rebuffed for the whole killing his brother thing. These people hold grudges
-Nathan is still mad that his agent wasn't around to help bail haley out. The paparazzi descend on the Tree Hill police station to watch the perp walk.
-Oh yeah Mia's back...its so boring I have nothing to say about it
-Julian gives up on making movies because Alex won't stop trying to sleep with him. I can identify. I can't tell you how many times I've been in similar situations (except replace making films with knitting Hello Kitty purses and a hot model named Alex with a stuffed big-bird toy)
-Haley asks Nathan one more time if there's any truth to the story - he storms out
-Mouth doesn't think Millie should be a model - of course he does. Apparently going out one night means she's now a anorexic coke head.
-Alex decides to show Julian she's not stupid. I hope this means we have a spelling bee in our future.
-Nope, she wears a business suit and apologizes. He is overwhelmed by her professional attire and decides to work with her again. Again just like me
-Tom brady is up to 51 points - considering becoming a patriots fan. Of course this means Matt ryan will go for 35 points and I'll lose because Brandon Jacobs decided to suck this week (or really this season)
-Nathan holds a full on press conference with Haley to explain himself to a rapt press corp (I believe there were more reporters for this than when Obama was inaugurated)
-Millie decides to be a model - I hope this leads to mouth skipping town and Millie to get a tattoo
-Episode ends with Haley looking through old cell phone bills and finding the groupies number.
-Wait episode really ends with Dan walking up to groupie and telling her he has a proposition for her. He then bites down on a stick of licorice in a sinister manner. You think I'm kidding.

Wayne Shorter Quartet

I didn't go into this concert with the optimal mindset. I didn't sleep well the night before and I had knocked out a hard ten mile run in the morning, so I was dragging all day and was afraid I'd have difficulty focusing. I needn't have worried. This was one of the most enthralling concert experiences I've ever had. The band came on stage at 8:05 and without saying a word proceeded to play for an hour straight, pause thirty seconds for applause, knock out another 45 minutes, and then follow up with a ten minute encore (all without saying one word). The energy level throughout was electric, and more importantly a sense of joy emanated from the players and you got the impression that they enjoyed playing with eachother as much as the audience enjoyed hearing them. Really the concert felt like watching an intimate session or rehearsal rather than a full on concert. I don't mean that it wasn't tight, but rather the interplay felt relaxed and intimate rather than the formality you might expect in a concert hall. This is an obvious tribute to the talents of the individual band members (Wayne Shorter, John Patattucci, Danilo Perez, and Brian Blade) and, speaking as a thoroughly mediocre jazz drummer, I only wish I could exhibit the same sense of feel and energy.

What was even more impressive was that the playing was virtuostic, and not at all straight ahead, they kept it accessible enough that even someone not well versed in jazz couldn't help be swept up in the overall vibe. Really the biggest compliment I can give the group is that its the kind of group I would love to play in. Mot necessarily because of the level of musicianship (though that is awesome), but because it would just be fun.

Zombieland

This wasn't an incredibly deep movie, but it was one of the more entertaining 90 minutes I've seen in a theater recently. The film takes place in a post apocalyptic world where a virus has turned everyone into zombies. The protagonist, played by Jesse Eisenberg, is one of the few remaining unaffected people, and he survives by acting much like Woody Allen would if trapped in a world full of Zombies (somebody else's description but its apt). He eventually joins forces Woody Harrelson, a mildly crazy redneck who lives solely to kill as many zombies as possible (and find the last remaining Twinkie). After they hook up with a pair of grifter sisters and the whole group drives off to california because...it doesn't really matter.

The best way to describe the film (again I'm stealing this from someone else) is Midnight Run with zombies. It has a relaxed vibe and low key charm which pushes the proceedings go by in an agreeable manner. The film also features one of the best cameos I've ever seen, and I would do everything possible to avoid learning about it before going in.

Anyway, its not quite up to the level of Shaun of the Dead, but Zombieland succeeded in making laugh, and if you can't enjoy Woddy Harrelson killing zombies while wearing an alligator skin coat and Cowboy hat (yes the hat is also made out of gator skin - probably Tebow), well then I don't want to know you.

The Invention of Lying

This review is going to sound much more negative than I intend it to be. On the other hand-who cares? I'm not exactly Mr. Sunshine to begin with, and you all know what you're going to get here. A real unvarnished look at the eternal heartbreak of the human condition. If that's too real for you, too bad. That's how I roll.

Anyway, Invention follows the very funny (I really mean that, not like late night hosts who introduce comedians they've never heard of use that description. I mean the fact that its been applied to Carlos Mencia shows they're a bunch of damn liars) Ricky Gervais, in an alternate reality where nobody in the world is capable of lying. Ricky's character gets into a bit of a jam with his finances and in a moment of inspiration he...introduces the idea of falsehoods (see I can restate titles to make it sound like I have an original thought). Being the only man in the world who can lie leads to some predictable developments - he gets lots of money, writes the greatest screenplay in the world, and invents religion before focusing his attention on wooing Jennifer Garner. The film has its fair share of funny sequences (I particularly enjoyed the bits about the film industry) but its one note premise eventually runs out of steam, and when it tries to introduce some real emotion into the third act I didn't really care that much. The film also is a bit lazy in its execution which mutes some of its comedic potential. There are at two extended montage sequences (always a shorthand for creative sloth) that I could've done without, and the film goes absolutely nuts with cameos that are not only distracting but feel like they makers were saying "This but may not be inherently funny on its own, but look there's Jason Bateman! You liked him in Arrested Development, laugh now!" I'm not your monkey, I laugh when I want to.

Like I said at the outset all that hostility makes it sound like I hated the film, which I didn't. Its moderately amusing, and doesn't overstay its welcome. Still it doesn't fully capitalize on the talent involved to rise above anything more than a mildly diverting comedy. I hope Ricky Gervais can find something better to do with his talents the next time out.

In the loop

This UK Comedy follows a particularly hapless minister of parliment as his speaking mistakes (and general cluelessnes) end up putting him in the middle of a run up to an unidentified invasion (that is obviously Iraq). The film goes back and forth between London and Washington as the situation gets increasingly insane and it becomes obvious that the truth isn't really that important when it comes to starting a war. I don't really want to get into the larger political satire because even though its funny its the least interesting part of the film. Where the film excels is in its portrayal of bureaucracy and how most of its members are myopically focused on keeping their jobs with no real regard to the consequences of their actions. It similar to The Office in the sense that the humor is derived from the basic malaise of people stuck in job's they really don't like. Of course what really helps is that the dialogue is freaking hilarious. The script exhibits some of the most creative use of profanity I've ever heard (really, to paraphrase A Christmas story, a tapestry of vulgarity is woven that is stunning in its intircateness), and rather than refer to each other by name all of the characters use increasingly insulting nicknames. The most entertaining purveyor of this by far is the character played by Peter Capaldi. He's like Sawyer from Lost crossed with Denis Leary, in that he constantly belittles and attacks every around him with increasing amounts venom. Anyway In the Loop is worth seeing for the dialogue alone, and I'll finish by leaving you with a few choice bits (warning this may be offensive to individuals who find copious amounts of profanity offensive):

"Climbing the mountain of conflict"? You sounded like a Nazi Julie Andrews!

You know they're all kids in Washington? It's like Bugsy Malone, but with real guns.

You think that's his real name? Iceman? To Mr. and Mrs. Man, a son... Ice?

Oh, great. Meeting my constituents. It's like being Simon Cowell, only without the ability to say, "Fuck off, you're mental".

I can't stand to see a woman bleed from the mouth. It reminds me of that Country & Western music which I cannot abide.

SHUT IT, Love Actually! You want me to hole-punch your face?

You're like the woman from The Omen. You've given birth to a demon, and now it's gonna kill you.

Was it you, the baby from Eraserhead?
Then it must have been you, the woman from The Crying Game.

Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves... but made from real kids. Right, Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly. There's a cartoon of you in here as a walrus.

Hey, you! Ron Weasley, you do it.

Well, I don't want to be accused of micro-managing, but I cannot understand why "I Heart Huckabees" is on a list of DVDs considered suitable for armed-forces entertainment. That self-indulgent crap is not suitable for combat troops. [Ed Note: I disagree]

Its even better in context.

One Tree Hill - Believe Me I'm Lying

Alright I realize this is three one tree hill posts in a row, but I haven't had time to see anything else. That'll change this weekend...maybe.

-Nathan is so worked up by his groupie scandal that he stopped working out. Apparently there's a chance he won't be signed because of this potential paternity suit. This disconnect from the reality of the NBA never ceases to amuse me.
-They have Jaime choose three different cereals before Haley lets him have one. I counted four different logos.
-I need to become the hair gel provider for this show. Julian and the guy who plays Nathan's agent Clay must easily go through five cans a day.
-Nathan's work outs consist of bench pressing in his backyard while his agent counts. I'm sure David Falk does the same thing
-Haley buys all the copies of the national informer (apparently the enquirer wouldn't pony up) in Tree Hill once the scandal breaks. Apparently the internet doesn't exist in there. However the other seven year olds have access to newstands as they read the story to jaime in the park to taunt him. No Joke one says, "My Mom says they wouldn't put this in if it wasn't true. You're dad's screwed"
-Haley's sister still won't say why she walked out on her seemingly normal husband (other than some nonsense about her changing and he didn't). I'm pulling for him to have been murdering drifters in his spare time. Or she's just a crazy irrational chick. In this show I'm not sure which is more likely.
-Just flipped to full screen mode. Apparently One Tree Hill finally shifted to HD. I guess that's what a 1 share on Monday nights will get you
-The promo for next week shows Haley being arrested for Assault and Battery. I hope she beat up Mouth and Milly...or Jaime (that's right I made a child abuse joke)
-Wow a model cattier than Alex (named McKenna) and insults Milly and Alex. Alex retaliates by giving the model a Limbaugh sized dose of what I assume to be Oxycontin. Forcing somebody into an overdose...well played
-So Haley's sister's issue with her husband is that two years ago they decided not to impulsively move across the country because a better opportunity would open up where they were in the near future (which it did). She said she was fine with that decision then but the person she is now wouldn't have made it because she regrets not having used those two years to screw around. Since she says her husband now would still make the former decision (even though he says he's totally open to change) she asks for a divorce. Women are crazy
-Alex gets Milly to model in the fashion show to help her self esteem and get back at mean model McKenna, oooh the slutty rehabbing model/actress isn't all bad...maybe even has a heart of gold
-Wow the fashion show features a performance by a band called the Noisettes, and would you look at that, I can apparently buy their album 'Don't Upset The Rhythm.' Can an appearance on the Starburst Summer concert tour be far behind?
-Haley ironed her hair straight to attend the fashion show. Bold Choice
-Brooke has moment of inspiration and has Millie walk out in a wife beater on which she writes with a magic marker 'Zero is not a size' which the crowd finds to be the height of daring fashion. Also the fact that her fashion line is for 'normal' sized women strikes every one as cutting edge (which apparently is evidenced by the fact that the show featured 9 traditional models and one actress who was a size 1 instead of zero)
-The Noisettes are back
-Mouth refuses to read the story of Nathan's 'affair' on the air and is fired. Suuuure
-Apparently Millie was supposed only appear in one episode but they loved her so much that they asked her back. Can we go back to the whole only appearing in one episode thing?
-Clay punches out Quinn's drunk (understandably so) husband, then turns down Alex's advances because now that he knows Quinn is available. I mean why wouldn't he turn down the hot model to go after the crazy unreasonable recently separated chick?
-The closing scene features the Noisettes 'Sometimes'
-Quinn drives off with Clay in fron tof her husband just to really stick it to him
-Have you heard of this band the Noisettes? I guess they have some buzz around them
-The groupie confronts Haley in front of the papparazzi and gets slapped. Really, that's what's considered assault and battery? Lucky Shawn Merriman wasn't around

And we're done, some good moments but this season has yet to really approach the greatness I know the show is capable of. Come on guys, get it together