I've realized that due to time constraints I've been self-selecting into only seeing mediocre to good films. This makes mocking difficult (especially since my true love One Tree Hill is no longer on the air). So when I saw that New Year's Eve (follow up to the completely inessential Valentine's Day which I watched on a flight from Qatar) was on HBOGO I saw a golden opportunity. However the only way I could possibly make it through was to write while watching. SO that's what you have here. I got to be honest, even with the live mocking I may not make it all the way through in one shot (that's what she said).
-Oh Man, this thing is two hours long (how could it not be ninety minutes), I'm definitely not making it all the way through this.
-Opening voiceover: "Some People swear there's no beauty left in the world no magic. So how do you explain the entire world coming together on one night together to celebrate the hope and magic of a new year?" Oh hell yes.
-So our first subplot is going to revolve around Hilary Swank trying to make sure the time's square celebration goes off without a hitch. I'm sure it will.
-Hey its Zoc efron as the world's most alluring Bike Messenger.
-Subplot 3 is going to revolve around two couples competing to have the first baby born in the new year (which yields 25,000). One of them is that super power couple Jessica Biel and Seth Myers.
-Hey its Ashton Kutcher. Maybe this is narrative continuity from Valentine's Day? No its not. He hate New years, and is Efron's roommate. Zac decides to find such an epic activity that Ashton can't say no to participating in New Years.
-Subplot 4 (or 5) features Josh Duhamel as a playboy who's best friend just got married, and apparently he has some girl that he met last year at a new years party that he may or may not meet this year. I'm guess this plot point will never come up again.
-Sweet Jesus its Katherine Heigl. As a party planner. She just said "There's going to be more celebrities here than rehab." This movie just jumped six levels.
-And now we have Bon Jovi as some musical superstar named Jensen. His very presence causes Sofia Vergera to go into hystrionics. And he has a history with Heigl.
-And the obligatory high school plotline about how some girl might 'kiss' some jonas brother looking mofo at a party. Her mom is Sarah Jessica Parker playing a Rockette's costume designer.
-I think we're up to at least 9 subplots, this movie makes Cloud Atlas seem linear.
-Hey we have Ludacris in the token black guy role with a speaking part. He's playing an apparently stoned police officer. I'm just assuming the stoned part from the way he read lines.
-I think Bon Jovi is out acting Heigl.
-John Lithgow is Michelle Pfeiffers boss and he overworks her to the point she decides to quit and start living her life.
-Wait were not done with subplots, we have Robert DeNiro playing a terminally ill man who just wants to see the New Years ball drop before he dies. He's apparently been hanging on so long just so he can see the ball drop one more time. Goals are good. I'm still waiting for a ball to drop. The mean doctor won't let him, but his nurse is played by Halle Berry. I'm sure she won't show up again.
-New year's hating Ashton gets stuck on an elevator (which apparently was built in 1920) with the girl from Glee. She's really uptight and he hates New Year's. I'm sure they'll get it fixed in a few minutes.
-I think we're finally done establishing characters as its starting to recycle through character pairings.
-"The world isn't scary mom, it's just getting good and I want to start living in it. You used to." Snap.
-Twenty minutes in and I'm already bored.
-Michelle Pfeiffer bought Zac Efron for the day to help her complete all her New Year's resolutions. If he does he gets tickets to some hot party. For some reason the second one is to murder a drifter.
-Oh Bon Jovi asked Heigl to married him and then ran off. Now he wants another chance. Its lucky you have such piercing blue eyes Jon.
-Heigl: "I'm ready to commit to what I really love, my work." I'm sure the movie will let her stick with this modern emancipated woman tact.
-Ruh Roh, Abigail Breslin snuck out the window to go meet her friends in times square. Sarah Jessica Parker is not impressed. Damn Kids.
-We're not even to the half way point and I'm losing interest in mocking. I didn't think it was possible, but its not that its bad its just so mind numbingly inconsequential I just don't care enough to get annoyed.
-Hey its Seacrest. Apparently he's "Mr. New Years Eve himself." Interest back on.
-The ball breaks halfway up the pole, Seacret has to vamp. Its glorious.
-This is one of those movie's where everyone talks in speeches. It's like super low rent Sorkin.
-Apparently no one else lives in this building with the elevator because not one other person has realized that its broken in the last 4 hours. And neither Kuthcher or Glee girl have had to go to the bathroom in that time. Thaat's about right.
-Apparently they can't fix the ball without 'Electrical Whiz Lester Kiminski." Played by a 'that guy.' I do appreciate that in the world of this film that there are super hero electricians. And everybody accepts this as normal.
-Hilary Swank gives one of the most unengaging speeches every. Seriously I blacked out for a minute. I wish I were kidding.
-Halfway through, I really don't know if I can finish.
-Hey Efron is brother to Parker. The world's shortest family.
-Bon Jovi does not sign Wanted Dead or Alive. Weak.
-He sings have a little faith in me. Which now becomes out montage song. I'll be honest, a lot has 'happened' and I can't be bothered to talk about it.
-There is now forty five minutes left and it feels like a week. Is so so cold. Tell me it will be okay.
-Kutcher and Glee girl decide to have their own party. yeah baby break out the cocaine. And the elevator starts working right before they kiss. And the superintendent is played by the one and only Jim Belushi. Way to shoot high on the cameo's.
-I can't emphasize how utterly rote and unsurprising the film is. It's easy to mock, but what's the point? At least One Tree Hill has some elan and owned its craziness.
-Hey its Matthew Brodrick...who cares. Really this is what the movie is,where's waldo with moderately famous people.
-I'm going to lose in the fantasy football playoffs because Tom Brady can't break single digits.
-The actual speeches of the film are about as inane and cliched filled as my accounting lectures. Yet those don't inspire or get mass applause.
-Bon Jovi gets a second chance and still does not sing Wanted Dead or Alive. Instead he sing's Can't Turn You Loose, which admittedly is a bad ass song, but raises many questions. In this reality did Bon Jovi, I mean Jensen, write this? Or are people going crazy because he's doing covers? If its the latter then I'm very confused. Actually if its the former I'll also be confused.
-Now fast forwarding randomly. Somehow not losing the narrative thread.
-Jensen cancels his tour to stay with Heigl. I'm sure all the back singers, crew members, and concert promoters who are left out to dry will understand.
-My god I can't emphasize how boring this whole thing is. Wait I think Common is Halle Berry's husband in this. Yeah for diversity. Or at least rapper diversity. The best kind of diversity.
-Even with my fast forwarding there's still 15 minutes left. Remember me fondly.
-By the way, the ball did drop. Unfortunately I can't say the same for my left testicle.
-I Enjoy Garry Marshall's (I mean Pony Boy's) work on Comedy bang Bang more than his films.
-I was going to transcribe the ending voiceover but I can't exert the effort.
-And we have an ending dance montage for the closing credits. Of course we do. And there's blloopers.
-This was a horrible idea.
-Oh Man, this thing is two hours long (how could it not be ninety minutes), I'm definitely not making it all the way through this.
-Opening voiceover: "Some People swear there's no beauty left in the world no magic. So how do you explain the entire world coming together on one night together to celebrate the hope and magic of a new year?" Oh hell yes.
-So our first subplot is going to revolve around Hilary Swank trying to make sure the time's square celebration goes off without a hitch. I'm sure it will.
-Hey its Zoc efron as the world's most alluring Bike Messenger.
-Subplot 3 is going to revolve around two couples competing to have the first baby born in the new year (which yields 25,000). One of them is that super power couple Jessica Biel and Seth Myers.
-Hey its Ashton Kutcher. Maybe this is narrative continuity from Valentine's Day? No its not. He hate New years, and is Efron's roommate. Zac decides to find such an epic activity that Ashton can't say no to participating in New Years.
-Subplot 4 (or 5) features Josh Duhamel as a playboy who's best friend just got married, and apparently he has some girl that he met last year at a new years party that he may or may not meet this year. I'm guess this plot point will never come up again.
-Sweet Jesus its Katherine Heigl. As a party planner. She just said "There's going to be more celebrities here than rehab." This movie just jumped six levels.
-And now we have Bon Jovi as some musical superstar named Jensen. His very presence causes Sofia Vergera to go into hystrionics. And he has a history with Heigl.
-And the obligatory high school plotline about how some girl might 'kiss' some jonas brother looking mofo at a party. Her mom is Sarah Jessica Parker playing a Rockette's costume designer.
-I think we're up to at least 9 subplots, this movie makes Cloud Atlas seem linear.
-Hey we have Ludacris in the token black guy role with a speaking part. He's playing an apparently stoned police officer. I'm just assuming the stoned part from the way he read lines.
-I think Bon Jovi is out acting Heigl.
-John Lithgow is Michelle Pfeiffers boss and he overworks her to the point she decides to quit and start living her life.
-Wait were not done with subplots, we have Robert DeNiro playing a terminally ill man who just wants to see the New Years ball drop before he dies. He's apparently been hanging on so long just so he can see the ball drop one more time. Goals are good. I'm still waiting for a ball to drop. The mean doctor won't let him, but his nurse is played by Halle Berry. I'm sure she won't show up again.
-New year's hating Ashton gets stuck on an elevator (which apparently was built in 1920) with the girl from Glee. She's really uptight and he hates New Year's. I'm sure they'll get it fixed in a few minutes.
-I think we're finally done establishing characters as its starting to recycle through character pairings.
-"The world isn't scary mom, it's just getting good and I want to start living in it. You used to." Snap.
-Twenty minutes in and I'm already bored.
-Michelle Pfeiffer bought Zac Efron for the day to help her complete all her New Year's resolutions. If he does he gets tickets to some hot party. For some reason the second one is to murder a drifter.
-Oh Bon Jovi asked Heigl to married him and then ran off. Now he wants another chance. Its lucky you have such piercing blue eyes Jon.
-Heigl: "I'm ready to commit to what I really love, my work." I'm sure the movie will let her stick with this modern emancipated woman tact.
-Ruh Roh, Abigail Breslin snuck out the window to go meet her friends in times square. Sarah Jessica Parker is not impressed. Damn Kids.
-We're not even to the half way point and I'm losing interest in mocking. I didn't think it was possible, but its not that its bad its just so mind numbingly inconsequential I just don't care enough to get annoyed.
-Hey its Seacrest. Apparently he's "Mr. New Years Eve himself." Interest back on.
-The ball breaks halfway up the pole, Seacret has to vamp. Its glorious.
-This is one of those movie's where everyone talks in speeches. It's like super low rent Sorkin.
-Apparently no one else lives in this building with the elevator because not one other person has realized that its broken in the last 4 hours. And neither Kuthcher or Glee girl have had to go to the bathroom in that time. Thaat's about right.
-Apparently they can't fix the ball without 'Electrical Whiz Lester Kiminski." Played by a 'that guy.' I do appreciate that in the world of this film that there are super hero electricians. And everybody accepts this as normal.
-Hilary Swank gives one of the most unengaging speeches every. Seriously I blacked out for a minute. I wish I were kidding.
-Halfway through, I really don't know if I can finish.
-Hey Efron is brother to Parker. The world's shortest family.
-Bon Jovi does not sign Wanted Dead or Alive. Weak.
-He sings have a little faith in me. Which now becomes out montage song. I'll be honest, a lot has 'happened' and I can't be bothered to talk about it.
-There is now forty five minutes left and it feels like a week. Is so so cold. Tell me it will be okay.
-Kutcher and Glee girl decide to have their own party. yeah baby break out the cocaine. And the elevator starts working right before they kiss. And the superintendent is played by the one and only Jim Belushi. Way to shoot high on the cameo's.
-I can't emphasize how utterly rote and unsurprising the film is. It's easy to mock, but what's the point? At least One Tree Hill has some elan and owned its craziness.
-Hey its Matthew Brodrick...who cares. Really this is what the movie is,where's waldo with moderately famous people.
-I'm going to lose in the fantasy football playoffs because Tom Brady can't break single digits.
-The actual speeches of the film are about as inane and cliched filled as my accounting lectures. Yet those don't inspire or get mass applause.
-Bon Jovi gets a second chance and still does not sing Wanted Dead or Alive. Instead he sing's Can't Turn You Loose, which admittedly is a bad ass song, but raises many questions. In this reality did Bon Jovi, I mean Jensen, write this? Or are people going crazy because he's doing covers? If its the latter then I'm very confused. Actually if its the former I'll also be confused.
-Now fast forwarding randomly. Somehow not losing the narrative thread.
-Jensen cancels his tour to stay with Heigl. I'm sure all the back singers, crew members, and concert promoters who are left out to dry will understand.
-My god I can't emphasize how boring this whole thing is. Wait I think Common is Halle Berry's husband in this. Yeah for diversity. Or at least rapper diversity. The best kind of diversity.
-Even with my fast forwarding there's still 15 minutes left. Remember me fondly.
-By the way, the ball did drop. Unfortunately I can't say the same for my left testicle.
-I Enjoy Garry Marshall's (I mean Pony Boy's) work on Comedy bang Bang more than his films.
-I was going to transcribe the ending voiceover but I can't exert the effort.
-And we have an ending dance montage for the closing credits. Of course we do. And there's blloopers.
-This was a horrible idea.
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