Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lighting thief

I'll be upfront and admit this film wasn't unwatchable, but the whole exercise just struck me as unnecessary. This material (awkward teenager who doesn't know he has mystical gifts is suddenly forced to confront his past and save the world) has been dealt with in countless other, superior, films and PJATOTLT does nothing to distinguish itself. That said while it wasn't actively terrible, it did have plenty that a petty uncreative individual like myself could make fun of. So let's turn off the no mocking sign and get started shall we:

1) For a film that's allegedly supposed to be starting a new Harry Potter-esque franchise, the production design was a surprisingly cheap looking. Throughout the film you could easily tell when actors were being blue-screened in, and most of the fight scenes looked like a community production of 'I, Claudius' complete with plastic shields and cardboard swords. This was explained when I saw the production budget was under $100 million (or the amount James Cameron spends on catering). You know its always a good idea to go cheap on effects in the age of Avatar.
2) The acting was spotty at best. I enjoyed Steve Coogan as Hades, and Joe Pantigliano being Joe Pantigliano, but the rest of the cast varied from bored (Pierce Brosnan) to 'I'm destined to appear on a lifetime original movie in the future' (the lead boy whose name I can't remember). The dialogue, which could be described as overly expository at best, really didn't help either. To Wit, let me recap the opening scene:

Zeus: Brother, why Did you steal my lighting bolt?
Poseidon: Remember we're magically barred from stealing eachother's powers
Zeus: Uhh, well your kid could have done it
Poseidon: My kid who has no idea I exist, that god's exist, or that he's related to one?
Zeus: Yeah if he doesn't give it back in two weeks there's going to be a war (Ed Note: This seems like a bit of an overreaction since we haven't actually established the kid it, particularly since Zeus had two seconds earlier accused Poseidon of the crime)
Poseidon: You better not touch him or it is on!
Zeus: Yeah?
Poseidon: Yeah
(They start making out)

You have to believe me when I say the actuality was more boring then my re-enactment. It gets somewhat better after the opener, but not much

3) Now, the dialogue clunky and obvious but its practically a David Mamet film compared to the use of musical cues, here are three particularly egregious examples:

i) Character: 'Who wants to follow me on this Highway to Hell?'
smash cut to three leads on bus with AC/DC's Highway to hell blaring in the background
ii) Character: I guess we're going to vegas
-Cue Elvis's 'A Little Less Conversation'
iii) The character's are all in a Casino and what do you know Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face' is playing (they then do a dance number).

So yeah, Scorcese's use of pop songs in Goodfella's this wasn't.

4) For a film where the main characters are children of the gods and all the myths are real, the kids are surprisingly ignorant about greek mythology (which would have been their equivalent of US history I guess). An abandoned lot full statues of mythological creatures in horrified poses? Why that wouldn't be Medusa would it? A casino called "Lotus Gardens" with waitresses feeding you 'special' lotus flowers, nah nothing suspicious there. This would be like a US public school kid not knowing that you need to watch out for whitey.

5) Finally there is a black centaur character and needless to say he has an attitude, apparently just exists to slap the lead white character on the back, hit on all the female characters, and say things like 'aight.' Or as I like to call it - Chris Tucker.

So yeah, the film wasn't unwatchable but just incredibly formulaic and generally inconsequential. Otherwise known as your Friday night (Flexes muscles and shoots off air guns)

One Tree Hill: My attendance is bad, but my intentions are good

Well I was seriously considering giving up on the show as it hadn't been able to reach the demented lunacy of the previous season, but then I saw a story indicating that it might not get picked up after seven seasons (apparently averaging a one share will only get you so far) so I figured I should at least see it through to the end.

-Tonight's concurrent viewing - US vs. Canada hockey game. I burned a maple leaf in anticipation.
-USA USA USA. Goal in the first minute, suck on it Canada.
-According to the flashbacks I missed an episode, somehow I think I'll be okay.
-Haley's one sister's ex-husband just broke up with her other sister (the same one who slept with Nathan in high school). Soooo complicated. I think she hooks up with Jaime next.
-Ahhh, Sidney Crosby is pouting. Poor Baby. I love the unbridled jingoism of the Olympics.
-Julian is struggling to write the dialogue for a scene but 'it doesn't feel honest.' He and Brooke (who is working as the costume designer on his film even though she and Julian are 'taking some time off') then have the following conversation:

Julian: 'I don't think he says enough. He needs to convince her that he really loves her, but doesn't know the words'
Brooke: 'What are the words?'
Julian: 'I don't know yet but I will...The movie depends on it'

I see what you did there One Tree Hill...well played.
-Stupid Canucks, just scored to even it. It was quite a goal though.
-In Your Face Canada, right back at ya. Rafalski!!!!!
-Apparently Haley is having another baby, typical rock star can't keep from getting knocked up.
-Much like Lucas's book from last season Julian's film sucks. The alleged intense script is nothing more than a Lifetime movie knockoff. This will of course lead to the film winning an independent spirit award during a very special Sundance episode.
-Turns out Nathan likes Shrek 2...actually makes sense.
-Jaime runs down the list of people he misses (and no longer appear on the show) and shockingly it includes every black person who ever had more than two lines (granted there were only two, but still). This show probably isn't getting an NAACP image award any time soon.
-Ahhhh crap, canada just scored again.
-Haley's mom just shows up unannounced and in the most shocking twist ever is not just there for a visit. Baby, she's got a disease (in this case pancreatic cancer and has no options for treatment - this show is all about all or nothing). Helpfully this is not the kind of life threatening illness that will keep her from 'enjoying the time she has left.' If this leads to One Tree Hill having a special 'dealing with death' episode I'm all in favor of this development.
-Wow noted canadian Donald Sutherland is in attendance (at the game) now you know its special. This brings the list of people featured in the broadcast of an Olympic hockey qualifying game shown on MSNBC whose tax return I've worked on to...one.
-Waaahhh, the mother character who has never actually appeared on the show in its previous seven seasons is dying. I'm so sad.
-One of (soon to be) dead mom's final acts is to rent a space for Quinn to display her photographs. Because, you know, one thing regional north Carolina towns will support is a no-name's photography studio.
-Millie gets called plain by a customer at the storm and it throws her into a fit of depression that makes her almost snort some nose candy. Thankfully before she goes down that dark road she realizes she's 'not fine' and goes to NA. Touching.
-So when Alex is sad she does shots of water and sleeps with random guys (in this case Brooke's underline straight fashion designer). Hmmmm
-And we're done. I'm thinking about going back and watching the previous episode which apparently features an eighties themed high school alumni dance. Might be worth checking out.

The TV Set

I really wanted to like this movie. The director/writer (Jake Kasdan) and cast (David Duchovny, Sigourney Weaver, Ioan Gruffud, and Fran Kranz) have all done work that I've enjoyed in the past, and the premise of showing the absurdity of the Hollywood television production process should have been incredibly fertile comedic territory. Unfortunately the film's tonal inconsistency end up killing any comic momentum it generates and, at times, make the already lean running time drag considerably. The story veers back and forth from trying to show how the entertainment industry can destroy your creativity and personal life, and just being a straight up parody of the hollywood. As is so often the case when a film can't decide what it is, the two tones end up cancelling each other out and, in the case of The TV Set, the film ends up being just as broad as the target of its satire. The other big problem is that the TV show being produced isn't that good, even before network interference 'ruins' the writer's creative vision, and as a result its tough to get too indignant when things start going off the rail. I realize that the film may be doing some kind of meta-commentary, and I'm just too dumb to appreciate it, but whatever. I don't have time to think about it anymore, and there's still allot of stack to work through.

One Tree Hill: Weeks Go by Like Days

Yeah I was going to blow this off and try to plow through the stack some more, but somehow writing snarky comments about mediocre television can be justified as being productive (in my mind at least). So here we go again:

-Wow the celtics are down 17 to the magic. Yes I am watching a game in the background again. Deal with it.
-We start with Haley on the road getting hyped up to go on stage by singing 'mama going to knock you out' with her roadies and family. Its kind like of how I get ready to go out with your mom.
-I do appreciate that rather than writing original songs for Haley to sing the the WB just has her sing songs by whatever indie band paid them enough to get promoted (In this case Flying Machine by Everly)
-We get a montage of what everybody's doing (haley on the road, Brooke has a new designer, Julian is out making a new movie and pining for Brooke, Alex is in rehab, and Clay is hustling clients by going to local playgrounds, Millie is being tried for drunk driving)
-Brooke meets Julian in the airport and then throws a hissie fit when she sees Alex.
-Ray Ray just got blocked by Dwight
-Victoria hires Millie as her assistant (which is apparently all it takes to get out of a DUI in North Carolina. I know that being employed is considered a big deal in the south, but come on)
-This episode is directed by Joe Davola - I knew he had big things ahead of him when I watched Seinfeld
-One Tree Hill would like to emphasize that the designer Brooke hired is straight. They do this by having her make fun of him for all his meaningless one night stands. That's right folks don't be afraid, no gays here.
-Thanks god all of Jaime's friends find him just as annoying as I do. He's basically been running his mouth constantly about being on the road and they get bored and go live their lives. These are some saavy six year olds.
-Ooh Alex is at a party...but its just to save Millie who was just about to go face first into a pile of blow, or as I like to call it thursday night. That's right I'm bad (goes and writes about this in Hello Kitty notebook).
-Puppy Bowl is on...hmmmm
-So is Coyote Ugly
-Alex makes Millie cry by telling her that she loves her (bow chicka wow wow). This has suddenly taken a turn for the sexy.
-Haley has Jaime announce her at her hometown gig. I was hoping he would get hit with a urine bomb.
-Ahhh we have another Everly song, I guess we know what album is coming out this week. I can't wait until Lil Wayne wants to promote on this show.
-Sweet Jesus apparently has a cover of Pat Benatar's 'We Belong.' Of course Haley has to sing it with three tympani players on stage. Nothing the kids like more than old eighties glam pop tunes.
-Julian finally gets tired of Brooke's psycho act and tells her off. About time. I mean I know they'll end up together but about time psycho got called on it.
-I'm still trying to get over the fact that they had Haley end her show with a cover of Pat Benatar tune (and with a glitter storm at the end no less). Maybe it is coming back.
-All of Jaime's friends like him again when they get backstage passes. I think he just learned an impressive lesson about buying people off.
-Ah they let the actress playing Haley doing one of her own songs for the encore. Probably contractual. After listening to the whole thing it was definitely contractual.
-Ahh Haley and Quinn's older sister is dating QUinn's ex-husband. She also slept with Nathan when they were in high school. Classy.

Update: You really have no idea what the We Belong cover was like, I have to embed it:

The Rocker

The stack has gotten ridiculous. I've written about the stack before. It was staying at manageable levels but then the Blockbuster in Santa Monica went out of business, had a $1.99 DVD sale, and I wasn't able to completely help myself. I limited myself to 10 (though I'm still kicking myself to not picking up poison Ivy's 4-6), which doesn't sound bad but add in a few TV series I've picked up, as well as the existing stack (which wasn't insubstantial), and the underside of my coffee could program TBS for the weekend. Anyway The Rocker is my first foray into reducing the stack (I've also promised to refrain from buying cheap used DVD's for awhile-sure. It could happen). Why did I buy it? Well it starred Rainn Wilson as a drummer, and did I mention $1.99 DVD's?

Anyway the The Rocker starts with Fish (Wilson) being get kicked out of a Metallica/Motley Crue/Poison-esque band called Vesuvius in 1986 so the record label head's kid could play for them instead. He spends the next twenty years working dead end jobs until he gets asked to play the prom with his nephew's band, which is fronted by a suitably brooding high school senior with daddy issues. Fish ends of becoming an internet sensation when footage of him playng drums naked (don't ask) gets posted to youtube, the band gets signed to a label and becomes a big sensation in about three months (if only it were that easy). Their success leads to their being asked to open for Vesuvius at the rock and roll hall of fame and of course Fish has to confront all his demons, but they all learn a lesson, and whatever. The plot is pretty much what you would expect, and while I would hesitate calling The Rocker good, I did laugh a fair amount of times and even though it was about ten minutes too long the whole thing moved along in a fairly satisfactory manner. It's probably worth checking out when it inevitably ends up in heavy rotation on Comedy Central.

A Few more thoughts:
-The film has some tonal consistency issues as it veers between being an outright parody and a more conventional comedic film. Since Spinal Tap is already the definitive satire of hair metal specifically, and the music industry in general, any other film that tries to do it will fall short. (Though Will Arnett was pretty funny as the David Lee Roth-esque lead singer of Vesuvius)
-Speaking of Arnett the supporting cast in this film is loaded. Besides Arnett it has Bradley Cooper, Fred Arminsen, Arniz Anzari, Jeff Garlin, Jane Lynch and even an appearance by Lester from Chuck. Most of them are pretty heavily underutilized, but still, they're always nice to see.
-The films biggest flaw is that it leans a bit heavily on 'hit in the crotch' jokes. These don't just include ball shots, but can include variations like getting hit in the head, having bugs fly in your mouth, etc. Look I like a good cup check as much as the next guy, but any time you go to the well more than twice it just shows a lack of imagination (especially since Idiocracy made the definitive crotch joke with 'Ouch My Balls'). Hell they could have gotten rid of ten minutes easy if they just cut the number of times Fish falls or gets hit in half.
-The drumming in it actually doesn't look too bad except that Wilson's grip looks more like someone clubbing a seal than actual drumming (of course given the genre that may be right). On a related note the songs written for the movie are also decent (again still not as good as Spinal Tap), though writing stuff that sounds vaguely like third eye blind isn't the most difficult task in the world. (I do have to give them some extra points for turning 'In Your Eyes' into an extended drum solo)
-The other thing I want to give the film credit for is that even though there were a lot of cliches they avoided the two biggest ones: i) the lead singer's dad didn't see him perform and come back and ii) Wilson didn't end up hooking up with Christina Applegate. That was nice.