New Years Eve - the live blog

I've realized that due to time constraints I've been self-selecting into only seeing mediocre to good films.  This makes mocking difficult (especially since my true love One Tree Hill is no longer on the air).  So when I saw that New Year's Eve (follow up to the completely inessential Valentine's Day which I watched on a flight from Qatar) was on HBOGO I saw a golden opportunity.  However the only way I could possibly make it through was to write while watching.  SO that's what you have here.  I got to be honest, even with the live mocking I may not make it all the way through in one shot (that's what she said).

-Oh Man, this thing is two hours long (how could it not be ninety minutes), I'm definitely not making it all the way through this.
-Opening voiceover: "Some People swear there's no beauty left in the world no magic.  So how do you explain the entire world coming together on one night together to celebrate the hope and magic of a new year?"  Oh hell yes.
-So our first subplot is going to revolve around Hilary Swank trying to make sure the time's square celebration goes off without a hitch.  I'm sure it will.
-Hey its Zoc efron as the world's most alluring Bike Messenger.
-Subplot 3 is going to revolve around two couples competing to have the first baby born in the new year (which yields 25,000).   One of them is that super power couple Jessica Biel and Seth Myers.
-Hey its Ashton Kutcher. Maybe this is narrative continuity from Valentine's Day? No its not. He hate New years, and is Efron's roommate.  Zac decides to find such an epic activity that Ashton can't say no to participating in New Years.
-Subplot 4 (or 5) features Josh Duhamel as a playboy who's best friend just got married, and apparently he has some girl that he met last year at a new years party that he may or may not meet this year.  I'm guess this plot point will never come up again.
-Sweet Jesus its Katherine Heigl.  As a party planner.  She just said "There's going to be more celebrities here than rehab." This movie just jumped six levels.
-And now we have Bon Jovi as some musical superstar named Jensen.  His very presence causes Sofia Vergera to go into hystrionics.  And he has a history with Heigl.
-And the obligatory high school plotline about how some girl might 'kiss' some jonas brother looking mofo at a party.  Her mom is Sarah Jessica Parker playing a Rockette's costume designer.
-I think we're up to at least 9 subplots, this movie makes Cloud Atlas seem linear.
-Hey we have Ludacris in the token black guy role with a speaking part.  He's playing an apparently stoned police officer. I'm just assuming the stoned part from the way he read lines.
-I think Bon Jovi is out acting Heigl.
-John Lithgow is Michelle Pfeiffers boss and he overworks her to the point she decides to quit and start living her life.
-Wait were not done with subplots, we have Robert DeNiro playing a terminally ill man who just wants to see the New Years ball drop before he dies.  He's apparently been hanging on so long just so he can see the ball drop one more time.  Goals are good.  I'm still waiting for a ball to drop.  The mean doctor won't let him, but his nurse is played by Halle Berry.  I'm sure she won't show up again.
-New year's hating Ashton gets stuck on an elevator (which apparently  was built in 1920) with the girl from Glee.  She's really uptight and he hates New Year's.  I'm sure they'll get it fixed in a few minutes.
-I think we're finally done establishing characters as its starting to recycle through character pairings.
-"The world isn't scary mom, it's just getting good and I want to start living in it.  You used to."  Snap.
-Twenty minutes in and I'm already bored.
-Michelle Pfeiffer bought Zac Efron for the day to help her complete all her New Year's resolutions.  If he does he gets tickets to some hot party.  For some reason the second one is to murder a drifter.
-Oh Bon Jovi asked Heigl to married him and then ran off.  Now he wants another chance.  Its lucky you have such piercing blue eyes Jon.
-Heigl: "I'm ready to commit to what I really love, my work."  I'm sure the movie will let her stick with this modern emancipated woman tact.
-Ruh Roh, Abigail Breslin snuck out the window to go meet her friends in times square.  Sarah Jessica Parker is not impressed.   Damn Kids.
-We're not even to the half way point and I'm losing interest in mocking.  I didn't think it was possible, but its not that its bad its just so mind numbingly inconsequential I just don't care enough to get annoyed.
-Hey its Seacrest.  Apparently he's "Mr. New Years Eve himself."  Interest back on.
-The ball breaks halfway up the pole, Seacret has to vamp.  Its glorious.
-This is one of those movie's where everyone talks in speeches.  It's like super low rent Sorkin.
-Apparently no one else lives in this building with the elevator because not one other person has realized that its broken in the last 4 hours.  And neither Kuthcher or Glee girl have had to go to the bathroom in that time. Thaat's about right.
-Apparently they can't fix the ball without 'Electrical Whiz Lester Kiminski."  Played by a 'that guy.'   I do appreciate that in the world of this film that there are super hero electricians.  And everybody accepts this as normal.
-Hilary Swank gives one of the most unengaging speeches every.  Seriously I blacked out for a minute.  I wish I were kidding.
-Halfway through, I really don't know if I can finish.
-Hey Efron is brother to Parker.  The world's shortest family.
-Bon Jovi does not sign Wanted Dead or Alive.  Weak.
-He sings have a little faith in me.  Which now becomes out montage song.  I'll be honest, a lot has 'happened' and I can't be bothered to talk about it.
-There is now forty five minutes left and it feels like a week.  Is so so cold.  Tell me it will be okay.
-Kutcher and Glee girl decide to have their own party.  yeah baby break out the cocaine.  And the elevator starts working right before they kiss.  And the superintendent is played by the one and only Jim Belushi.  Way to shoot high on the cameo's.
-I can't emphasize how utterly rote and unsurprising the film is.  It's easy to mock, but what's the point?  At least One Tree Hill has some elan and owned its craziness.
-Hey its Matthew Brodrick...who cares. Really this is what the movie is,where's waldo with moderately famous people.
-I'm going to lose in the fantasy football playoffs because Tom Brady can't break single digits.
-The actual speeches of the film are about as inane and cliched filled as my accounting lectures.  Yet those don't inspire or get mass applause.
-Bon Jovi gets a second chance and still does not sing Wanted Dead or Alive.  Instead he sing's Can't Turn You Loose, which admittedly is a bad ass song, but raises many questions.  In this reality did Bon Jovi, I mean Jensen, write this?  Or are people going crazy because he's doing covers?  If its the latter then I'm very confused. Actually if its the former I'll also be confused.
-Now fast forwarding randomly.  Somehow not losing the narrative thread.
-Jensen cancels his tour to stay with Heigl. I'm sure all the back singers, crew members, and concert promoters who are left out to dry will understand.
-My god I can't emphasize how boring this whole thing is.  Wait I think Common is Halle Berry's husband in this.  Yeah for diversity.  Or at least rapper diversity.  The best kind of diversity.
-Even with my fast forwarding there's still 15 minutes left.  Remember me fondly.
-By the way, the ball did drop.  Unfortunately I can't say the same for my left testicle.
-I Enjoy Garry Marshall's (I mean Pony Boy's) work on Comedy bang Bang more than his films.
-I was going to transcribe the ending voiceover but I can't exert the effort.
-And we have an ending dance montage for the closing credits.  Of course we do. And there's blloopers.
-This was a horrible idea.

Killing Them Softly

Here's a plot summary.

There is absolutely no surprise that this film has bombed.  It is by far one of the most uncompromisingly nihilistic and cynical films I've ever seen - not exactly the type of thing with broad appeal.  Basically, the film parallels the breakdown of an illiegal gambling ring, with the 2008 financial crisis, while having various players  in the drama pontificate on how nothing matters, and America is just about getting paid.  The fact that the ending even sticks to this viewpoint is something I respect, as most films wouldn't have the guts to stay leave the audience with such a bleak message.  Still, its difficult to say I'll be coming back and rewatching this any time soon.

All that said, the film is surprisingly light (relatively speaking of course), and not as portentious as my description makes it sound.  While no amount of levity is going to make it palatable to a broad audience, what's there does help make the whole thing go down easier.  More generally I'm just fascinated that a film like this even got made.  I'd be curious to know what the marketing plan and revenue projections were, because there's no way anybody thought it was going to be a big, or even moderate, hit.   It's existence is kind of encouraging. 

Lincoln

I really had no interest in seeing Lincoln.  The trailers made it look like a tiresome biopic, with lots of speechifying, and amber glow.  Of course I was sure it would be well made hagiography, but still pretty yawn inducing.  And (yes this joke has been made elsewhere) it seemed to feature a disturbing lack of Vampire Killing.

Anyway, my dad wanted to go see it, and I was pleasantly surprised.  About two-thirds of the film is a procedure piece about how messy it was to actually pass the 13th amendment, with even Lincoln stoppoing to buying votes in the name of freeing the slaves.  This part of the film even has nice sense of humor about itself, subtly implying that Lincoln was a bit of a blowhard with all his speechifying.  Had the film stayed focus on this part of the story I would recommend Lincoln unequivicolly.  Howver it doesn't.

Any time the film goes back to Lincoln's family life it comes to a screeching halt.  His wife is pretty much portrayed as a nagging shrew out of the Adrien Balboa school of spouses, and there's a whole subplot about his son wanting to enlist that could have been excised completely.  All that though doesn't compare to the laugh out loud awfulness of the ending.  We all know that Lincoln dies, so its not like you have to include it.  Particularly since the film really just focuses on a few months out of his presidency.  But whatever, the way the film shows the end almost completely undoes the rest of it.  First Lincoln's last lines in the film are (as he's leaving for the theatre) "I guess I have to be going.  But I'd really like to stay."  It then ends with lincoln bathed in a soft light and giving his second inagural.  Basically undercutting all the work the film did up to that point in its effort to humanize him.  Seriously its groan inducingly bad.

On the other hand we do get Tommy Lee Jones looking like this:

So its not all bad.  

Skyfall

I'm really not a James Bond guy.  As a result I was probably more annoyed by Skyfall than it deserves.  Don't get me wrong, it's reasonably entertaining and has some well executed set pieces.  However, since I don't really care about the characters (I've maybe seen three of Connery/Moore/Lazenby films, and found the Brosnan ones to be uniformly tedious) most of the big 'emotional' moments just elicited a 'meh.'   Anyway since its easier to be snarky, here's a random list of some problems I had with the film (mild spoilers).  None of them are any worse than many other films I do enjoy, but given my aforementioned lack of connection with the characters I ended not dwelling on them more than I would have otherwise:

1) The fundamental problem with the more recent films is that they really want to be more serious action films, but are still constrained by the bond cartoony elements (entendres, bad jokes, gadgets).  They obviously cut back on them, and you can tell the filmmakers are a little embarrassed by the inclusion, but this just makes them stick out more.  The tonal disconnect really contributes to my issues with the film.

2)  On the same point, I think these films need to decide whether they're going to be serious or cartoons.  Say what you want about the Mission Impossible films, they at least embrace the cartoon which makes the over the top action, and plot holes, easier to accept.

3)  Javier Bardem has been getting a lot of credit for being the one of the best villians ever, and I don't see it. Its not his fault, its just that the character's big hook is that he's so technologically advanced that he can bring down whole governments with the push of a button.  But then his big plan at the end just involves busting in with some goons and shooting it up.  No special weapons or anything.

4) The dialogue is unsubtle to say the least.  People give films like Cloud Atlas a lot of crap for beating you over the head with its theme, but Skyfall is about 20 times worse.  Some variation of the line "The old things are sometimes best" is said (or shown) about three hundred times.  Yes, we get it.  Bond is still relevant.

5) One more for an even 5. It was pointed out on the podcast Doug Loves Movies that the ending of skyfall is really just the climax of Home Alone.  That's not untrue.

Argo

Argo is a solidly entertaining, well-executed, thriller and doesn't really strive to be much more than that.  I can actually see it showing up in a solid rotation on basic cable, with a high-rewatchability factor.   Okay I wrote those two sentences two weeks ago after I've first saw the film, and now I'm no longer motivated (in so much of my life, but that's another story).  Whatever, its good.  Probably getting a little too much hype, but I'd rather have something like this be successful than a lot of other stuff.  Like your mom.

Okay, maybe in a week we'll see if I decided to suck it up and see the last Twilight film. Somehow I think not seeing the last three won't really hurt my understanding of the narrative.  These films aren't exactly Game of Thrones.

Cloud Atlas

I'm just going to say up front that I kind of enjoyed Cloud Atlas.  Yes its a bit of a mess, and some of the mechanics are a bit gimmicky, but its an incredibly ambitious film and I'm surprised at how much vitriol its seems to have generated.  Rather than getting into a detailed review here's some random thoughts.

1) it is a problem that the ending falls into the 'everything is connected' message that marks most of these interlocking story films (Babel, Crash, etc.).  While I usually find this annoying, what keeps the film from being insufferable is that it actually intersperses a fair amount of humor throughout (particular within the publisher story line).  This helps from keeping the whole thing feel like an overly pedantic slog, and stays entertaining for most of the 2 hour and 45 minute running time.

2) Using the same actors to play different characters is hit or miss.  I actually think it helps a bit to have the principles (Hanks, Berry, etc) do this, but when they have repeat characters playing incidental roles in some of the stories it does become distracting.  On the other hand we do get Hugh Grant looking like this:

3) There's been a lot of talk about how difficult the film is to follow, and I don't agree at all.  Yeah you have to pay a little bit of attention, but I think everything actually flows together pretty smoothly.  If anything you could argue that it ties together too nicely, and might have been more interesting had the ending not been so conventional (or as conventional as a film following six stories can be).

4)More than anything I just appreciate the balls on the Wachowski's and Tom Tryker for even making a film like this.   Even when it doesn't work, you can't help but admire their ambition.  The film is never boring, and really only the ending is where it completely falls apart (though I'm not sure there's a good way to tie the six different stories together).  I'll definitely check out the novel its based on, and it would just be nice to see more filmmakers make an effort like this.  Even if it doesn't work at least it would be interesting.

Seven Psychopaths

This film was made to order for me to like it.  I absolutely love director Martin  Mcdonagh 's last film, In Bruges,  and the cast (Sam Rockwell, Christopher Walken, Woody Harrelson, Tom Waits, and Colin Farrel) made me super excited before I knew anything else about the film. Then I saw the trailer and was all in.  Therefore, when only ended up finding it intermittently entertaining, I was pretty disappointed.   This review    actually does a pretty good job laying out the problems with the film.  I enjoyed it more than that reviewer did, but ultimately you could feel the film trying to hard to be 'cool, 'edgy' and post-modern.   As any high school student can tell you, if you can see someone trying to be hip and edgy, then they're really not hip and edgy.  I get that the film is supposed to be a deconstruction of action films.  But it still needs to be coherent.  Compared to something like Cabin in the Woods (a deconstruction of horror films, but is still incredibly entertaining on its own) seven Psychopaths just doesn't cut it.  Still I'm looking forward to what Mcdonagh does next.