Street Fighter:The Legend of Chun Li

Let me be clear this is a truly truly awful film.

But my seeing it was inevitable for a couple of reasons:

1) This is one of the few pop culture phenomena for which I have a real feeling of nostalgia. One of the big moments of my elementary school life was when the Circle K down the street got a Street Fighter II arcade console. I can still remember my buddy John coming over and giving me the news, both of us jumped on our bikes to get down there and line up our quarters to get three minutes of fireballs, electric shocks, dragon punches, and slide kicks (oh yeah we were happening 10 year olds). This was at the time when the only other local video game option was the one kid on the street who had an eight bit original nintendo console, and I'm sorry but as much as I enjoyed it, Duck Hunt didn't hold a candle to the Deuce. This game was even such a big deal that when the one annoying kid in our class who nobody really liked got a super nintendo with the game he suddenly became very popular.
Now I don't claim that have been a competent player (I definitely was more of a mash random buttons kind of guy) but I had a few characters where I knew enough moves to be effective (Bison slide kick - holla). Plus one of the big deals on the old playground was getting hand written instructions on how to perform all the secret moves in the game (Guile's Lock down anyone?) from the two guys who had probably spent all their allowance playing (remember this was before the internet you had to get all video game cheats first hand from people who had to pay to play the game, come to think of it this was actually pretty depressing. So to recap things the internet has given society: Porn, Gambling, Fantasy Sports, and the ability for kids to cheat at video games). The only other video game I have these kind of memories about is probably Contra and that's really just because the cheat code to get thirty lives has been indelibly etched into my brain (up up down down left left right right select start). So yeah, I liked the game.

2) The film got a zero percent on rottentomatoes.com. You have no idea how excited this made me. Its incredibly hard to do this. Even cinematic abortions like Pearl Harbor get something (24% positive in that case). The previously reviewed Underworld got a 30%. You have to really try to have not one critic give even a marginally positive review. So anyway anything that is allegedly this bad has to be seen. UPDATE: Since I originally wrote this the meter has moved up to 6%, not as cool but still it had to be seen.

Anyway back to the film. When I went in I was secretly hoping to be the only person in attendance (it just seemed like it would fitting), there was one other guy- (the total would get up to three by the time the film started) we didn't make eye contact.

Once the film began I knew right away I was in for a party. The main character Chun Li (played by Smallville's Kristin Kruek - yeah I watched smallville at one point. Deal with it haters, this was back when I didn't have cable and only got three channels. I have nothing to apologize for) explains in voice over how she grew from a small Asian actress into a vaguely exotic looking white girl. Now the content of her dialougue is pretty irrelevant (and I truly mean that) but the delivery is really what got me. I already knew Kristen was not what one would call a good actress, she has apparently one level 'stoned,' no matter what is happening. Father getting kidnapped by gangsters? Obi Wan Kanobi like teacher getting beat to hell? Trying to seduce a female henchwoman named Katana? All stoned. Really think of someone who's high trying really hard to read cue cards and not wanting to miss any words and you have a pretty good idea of Ms. Kruek's line readings. Ev-er-y word has to be com-ple-te-ly en-un-ci-a-ted at the ex-act same pace and em-o-tion-al le-vel.

Sample exchange:

Gen (aforementioned Ob Wan character): Why are you angry? (at this point he is basically dislocating chun li's shoulder)
Chun Li: You're hurting me
Gen (spinning her away): No you're hurting yourself

But think about this being delivered by two people wacked out on vicadin and you'll get an idea of the intensity level.

This medicated haze extended to rest of the cast. When you're watching a film shot in English and wondering if it was dubbed because of how flat the line readings are, I son't think that's a good sign. Or maybe its just a sign that this was the greatest film set of all time with the whole cast getting loaded every night and the only way they could maintain was to concentrate really hard not to forget their lines. I don't mean this as a criticism.

The one exception to this zombie like atmosphere was Chris Klein who plays Interpol agent "Charlie Nash...you can call me Nash." Klein walks around with a perpetual five o clock shadow, hawaiian necklace, v neck t-shirt, sports coat, and a long greasy haircut that wouldn't have been out of place on Miami Vice. He screams every line reading at a level turned up to eleven, and walks around like Val Kilmer in that scene in Top Gun where he chews out Maverick in the bathroom and then walks away in a sort of psuedo-waddle with his butt and chest stuck out and lips pursed. Also does the fact that he calls himself Nash lead Klein to constantly scream 'Nash out!' whenever he's on a walky talky? Yes, yes it does. Does this fact make me incredibly happy? Unequivocally.
The fact that I think Klein was playing this part seriously only makes my takes my enjoyment to a new level.

I just realized I've written approximately 30 million words without even talking about the plot. So Chun Li's father gets kidnapped from in front of her when she's a child. Later she gets an ancient scroll that sends her to Bangkok where she meets Obi Wan Konobi who trains her to fight the man who kidnapped her father. This leads to her tryingt to get her father back and stop the main bad guy from his ultimate plan of, and I'm not making this up, gentrifying the city. Seriously Bison is a crime boss and has people killed but his big plan is to buy up slum property, evict the tenants, and build condos. I can appreciate that. So does she end up stopping him? Does it really matter? (answer of course,how dare you for thinking otherwise). The plot is suitably dumb for a film such as this, and there's really not much else to say. They throw in a scene where Chun Li does her signature move from the game (the spinning helicopter kick) and even gave me some fireballs (though without a haduken) which I enjoyed. Plus taking a cue from the epic martial arts film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II the makers had some rapper du jour create a Street Fighter rap for the film. You can't go wrong with a themed rap song I've always said (it would have really helped The Reader for instance).

I really got nothing else, the film is ludicrous, the cast apparently heavily medicated, and action scenes really not that well done. However I did laugh out loud several times more than I have at many big budget comedies (Old School I'm looking at you) so that's something. So to answer the question of whether or not it was a waste of my time the answer is no.

Oh and the film's ending sets up not just a sequel but a whole potential franchise. For something so obviously bad (the studio didn't even screen it for critics) that's ballsy.

Update: Just a taste of the goodness




Postscript

This trailer played before the film and if its any indication of what the film is actually going to be about, it has the potential to be one of the most screwed up kids films ever: