One Tree Hill - Hold My Hand as I'm lowered

Well tonight we're getting a special live viewing of this illustrious program. Why would I pass up on the opportunity to watch it in a fifteen minute shorter increment and without helpful side ads and factoids, you ask? Because screw you that's why. I don't have to explain myself.

-I'm beginning to think that missing the premier may have been a big deal. It appears that One Tree Hill is taking a page from Mad Men's play book and jumping ahead a few years every season. This may also be the last time One Tree Hill is compared to Mad Men (but it shouldn't be)
-We open with Haley looking at the sonogram and pictures of Nathan with a groupie at the party...waiting for the measured conversation where they discuss this maturely and rationally
-Nathan: You Know I didn't do anything right
Haley: You have your arm around here
Nathan: I get asked to pictures with a lot of people
Haley: You should be smart enough to know better (storms off)
Yeah, that's about right
-Dan gets called a murderer on his TV show since, you know, he killed his brother. Seems like a fair point. You'd think this may have come up before since he actually did time for the crime.
-I was wrong Dan's wife isn't the crazy nanny who kidnapped Jaime last season, its the crazy former heroin addicted model who tried to hook up with mouth last season. My Mistake
-Mouth leaves a lizard in the bathroom to scare skills. He calls Jaime (five year old) to help catch it - sound thinking there
-Groupie asks for $200K to go away. Nathan doesn't understand why she would do this. I mean its so unlikely that a woman would try to get extort money from an NBA star. Also according to his agent the Charlotte Bobcats won't re-sign him (to a $20million contract) if there are allegations about him having an illegitimate child, not to mention all the sponsors who will drop him. I guess its a good thing that Shawn Kemp never wanted to play for the Bobcats. But seriously, I love how this show still exists in a universe where a shooting guard worth $20 million dollars would have his career derailed by adultery accusations. The worst thing that happened to Kobe when he was accused of rape was that Nutella dropped him as an endorser
-Brooke has a photo shoot with the crazy (recurring theme here) model who wants to get a piece of Julian. As usual the world class photographer is 22, keeping the show's trend of having all jobs performed by people under 25
-We then have an extended photo shoot montage - odds of there being a cross over promotion? High. Mayve this one can be brought to us by Skittles
-Dan's Motto: When you stand in the light - you get yourself right. Catchy
-We have a flashback to how Dan met Rachel - at a strip club where she doubled as a prostitute. But like I have to tell you that
-Haley actually seems relatively restrained about this, and then takes out her aggression on the agent for proposing that Nathan pay off the groupie. I knew she couldn't keep it in
-Jaime catches the lizard and names it Percy - this kid is going to get beat up repeatedly.
-Ahhh, Jaime gets Skills to admit that he's afraid of moving in with his girlfriend. I know he's the only black guy in town so everyone hates him, but there has to be more people he can talk to
-I'm serioulsy considering getting a Faux Hawk
-Haley crashes Brooke's photo shoot and starts crying

-My head almost just exploded. One Tree Hill's Kate Voegle (Mia) just did a commercial for University of Phoenix. Because all 19 year old rock stars take on-line accounting classes when they're on the road. There's even a shot of her staring at a laptop while sitting on a hotel bed. Must have been between stops on the Starburst Summer Concert Tour. I am so happy right now
-Haley bitches to Brooke and her sister about the whole thing with the groupie. They still think this is going to screw up his contract and they don't know how they can explain this to the kid. Here's a suggestion:
Haley and Nathan: Jaime this woman is lying, and we'll prove it
Jaime: Ok
-Turns out Rachel hired the guy in the crowd to yell at Dan in an effort to goose ratings. He's torn. Who knew the former hooker would be an opportunistic show runner
-They show an ad of a shirtless Nathan endorsing Rainbow Body spray.
-Crazy former Jukie model gives Julian a script to read. I'm sure Brooke will handle this with aplomb.
-The agent gives the groupie an empty envelope and tells her to go to hell. It. Is. On.
-We get a little slo mo as nathan walks across the backyard and sits down next to Jaime on the swingset. Seriously

I gotta say I've been a little dissapointed by this season so far. I hate to say it but I think I miss Peyton and Lucas. They were the rigth blend of self-seriousness and absolute insanity that really drove the shows genius. I'm not giving up yet though.