One Tree hill: series FInale

Well since this show that's brought me so much joy over the years is having its series finale (allegedly). This has to be a live blog.

As a primer read this article. I'm glad somebody else appreciates how great this is.

-Crap this is a two hour series finale. Not sure I can make this (yes I can).

-Oh the first half is a retrospective of 'the landmark drama that spanned 9 seasons over two television networks' - I don't think I can even take this much pretension. I'll be back.

-I've got the retrospective on in the background as I work, and the people who work on the show treat it with a reverence usually reserved for The Wire. I think this makes my dream of the whole thing ending with an alien invasion unlikely.

-'I remember hearing about columbine and people speaking softly about it. I thought what a tragedy, somebody should say something loudly about it.' - So lets do an episode about a bullied kid who brings a gun to school, kills himself, and then have one of the characters be shot by their brother. Incisive social commentary that is.

-The helpful onscreen countdown clock tells me we have seven minutes until the final episode. Better get on my tree hill ravens sweatshirt.

- I can't get over the fact that Morgan Earp from Deadwood is Brooke's husband on this show. Its not like he was that memorable on that show, but still...

-'It got really uncomfortable being the only black person on this show. Seriously the original draft of the final episode had me getting lynched.' - Actor who plays Skillz

-:33 seconds, so excited

-We open on the river court. Nathan jams on an eight foot rim. And he gets out of an SUV and stares at himself. Flash-back fakeout.

-They do the same thing with Brooke, who's actually watching Julian shoot a TV show of her life in high school. How meta.

-And Now Haley gets to creepily stare at her high school self through a window. Where's Chris hanson when you need him.

-Mouth is doing situps with Millie - guess he wants to get down to 26% body fat.

-Well our first band placement, Blind Pilot. I actually saw these guys on letterman and I kind of liked them so I'll give them a pass on this one.

-My boy Dan left $500k to mouth. Hopefully this leads to a massive overdose.

-So it looks like this episode is really just going to spend a lot of time with the characters wistfully thinking about the past (facilitated by Julian rebuilding their high school hang-outs for his show). How disappointing. On the other hand two episodes ago ended with Dan rescuing Nathan (an NBA shooting guard) from a European Basketball cabal (seriously) since the authorities weren't doing enough to find him. I guess I shouldn't complain.

-Every character who ever sang over the last nine years is apparently going to get three minutes to sing. I guess that's one way to fill 70 minutes.

-Let me take a minute here to discuss The Lucky One. Which is unsurprisingly being promoted heavily in this episode. How is this scenario romantic? A guy finds a random picture of a chick (presumably on the dead body of her husband/boyfriend) tracks her down. Rather than calling the authorities she's like 'well lets see where this goes.' I need to rethink my whole dating approach.

-Clay and Quinn have an hour to kill before he can sign the custody papers for his son (the one he 'forgot' he had for four years). I'm sure nothing bad will happen in the meantime.

-Its looking like nothing crazy is going to happen. I'll be honest I'm losing interest.

-The promo for the Vampire Diaries just called its viewers "VD Fans..." awesome.

-Gavin Degraw now gets a song, I can't say that there is ever a better mix of artist and show then Gavin and One Tree Hill. And he's wearing a fedora. Of course he is.

-There is a lot of random slow-mo in this episode. The most random being Mouth finishing a sit-up (or maybe that was in real time),

-Julian is wearing a hat with the state of north carolina on it. All Class.

-Mouth uses the money to endow a scholarship for kids pursuing sports-related degrees. Because that's who needs the support.

-Gavin (and his fedora) get a second song.

-I really should have just posted quotes from the retrospective episode.

-In perfect keeping with the reactionary nature of this episode Julian buys brooke her old house, which the one thing she wanted more than anything else. Whatever.

-The abandoned four year old is already calling Quinn (who he met two weeks ago) mom. Yeah this won't end in over-dependency and a homicide in ten years.

-It sort of cracks me up that the comments on the article I linked at up top are overwhelmingly complaining that the author forgot to mention smallville when talking about the WB.

-Gavin gets a third song. Of course its a hard rock remix of the show theme. Edgy.

- I do love how two of the main characters from the first six years (Peyton and Lucas) aren't even acknowledged in the final episode. Its not like the actors are too busy.

-Continuing montage just showing everyone being happy. Now sing along to the chorus of the song. Really weak way to go out.

-Still only one black actor sighting so there's that I guess.

-Wow they cleared a U2 song (Tree Hill) I guess they had too.

-And we have a flsh-forward where everybody is meeting up at a high school basketball game. Which is surprisingly (not really) well attended. Sure, why not.

-Now a bunch of super pretentious voiceovers with earnest life lessons.

"the world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it" "so make your wish, do you have it? Good. Now believe in it, with all your heart." Freeze frame - credits.

Well that's it, the glorious run is over with a whimper. Still I can't deny I got a disproportionate amount of enjoyment out a show I really started watching because where I was living nine years ago only got three channels. RIP One Tree Hill. I look forward to seeing most of the cast starring in Lifetime movies in the next six months.

Post Script: The onion AV club has a write up of the episode and has some links to some choice moments at the end.

One Tree Hill Update/Chronicle

I know many of you have been devastated about the lack of One Tree Hill recaps, and all I can say is that I apologize. Its a complete fail on my part, and I have no excuse for it (except for the re-emergence of my raging coke habit). Anyway I watched the last half hour of the most recent episode and boy did it not disappoint. My favorite part revolved around Clay and his long-lost son. Now we all knew that Clay's wife died about four years ago, but what was never mentioned, until this very episode, was that they had a kid as well. Why was it never mentioned (or indeed why did this fact never come up in the many conversations he had with his dead wife's hallucination)? Well apparently Clay was so broken up by his wife's death that he just immediately blocked the fact that he had a son from his memory and skipped town. Awesome. Let that sink in for a minute. Basically the writers just decided:

'Hey we need to introduce some more drama, lets give Clay a kid. But we've never mentioned this progeny before how can we get around the fact that Clay's essentially been a dead beat dad for several years? I know - traumatic amnesia, and conveniently he never sent any sort of baby photos/announcements/pleas for cash to any friends or family in that whole time as well. And his current girlfriend will just think this is all completely normal. Done'

Anyway, when he finally realizes that his kid is still around (living in institutional care) he tells the kid that he's really sorry and would like to be part of his life going forward. Well the kid, displaying the most rationality of any character in this show, says no and walks out of the room. Burn. Of course I'm sure this will lead to a three episode arc of Clay trying to buy, I mean, earn his son's affection back using some convieniently placed items from the CW's sponsors. I love this show.

Chronicle

I saw this a few weeks ago, and generally enjoyed it. I'm sort of blase about the found footage gimmick, but not as annoyed as most people seem to be. Also the last seen has one of the worst green-screened backgrounds I've ever seen. Seriously its amazingly bad. I guess the budget constraints were seriously hard and binding. That's what she said.

One Tree Hill: This is my house, this is my home

Well here we are the season 8 finale. I was going to see the new Terence Malick film but this seems like a much better use of my time. Concurrent viewing is Giants- Reds.

-Great we begin with a Jaime voice-over. Maybe its from beyond the grave. That would be awesome.

-Jaime decides he wants to walk to the river court by himself. Nathan in a solid parenting move decides to let him. Maybe this will lead to the beyond the grave voice-over we're hoping for.

-Brooke wakes Julian up to show him that the baby is beginning to show. He says she's just fat and then slaps her.

-So our opening narrative device is to to cut to each of the main couples and have the couple in the new scene use a variation of the closing line from the previous scene. (I'm actually overstating this, I think it only happened twice, which is plenty).

-Jaime and his girlfriend have swapped one shoelace so he's walking around with a girlie lace. My boy chuck mocks him so he puts his regular lace back in and then totally brushes off his girl Madison at school. Oh Snap. Men, they're all the same.

-First commercial break and still no minorities. I'm counting on at least one Q flashback to meet our quota of one per every three episodes.

-We jump ahead 3.5 months during one break, this shown by Brooke drawing her stomach on the wall and writing 3.5 months. For a show that once jumped ahead four years between seasons this is nothing.

-Apparently Julian finished his film and the reviews are in. Of course everybody loves it - the key quote: "A gentle voice that cuts through the white noise of modern film-making." I guess they were reading the review from Mr Skin.com.

-Mouth and Millie now somehow have a morning show called "Mouth and Millie in the morning." Its as bad as you would think. Seriously it makes Good Morning America look watchable.

-Madison gets all passive aggressive with Jaime and takes out her matching shoelace as well. He slaps her.

-The fact that CWtv.com runs three minutes of commercials during each break severely reduce the likelihood of me continuing this for season 9. I mean if I wanted to devote an hour of my life to this show I'd watch it live for gods sake.

-Well Brooke and Haley's big business idea is to reopen the corner cafe. Because nothing like a coffee shop in a failing North Carolina town to replace a major clothing line.

-Bartender guy (I forget his name) is spending a year in the Air force, and receiving a letter each week from his movie star girlfriend. However he happens to see a national enquirer cover with her in a compromising position with another guy. I'm sure he'll handle this well and consider the source before making accusations.

-Brooke is having twins. Yeah!

-After the commercial break they use the stomach chart to show that we've jumped another 2.5 months in the future. I think more shows should incorporate this time-keeping technique.

-Hey everybody's favorite singer songwriter Kate Voegele just happens to be performing at Bartender guy's air base. I'm sure they just brought her back to wrap up the season and not for any other purposes. *Googles Kate Voegele* Wait she has a tour starting two weeks after this episode aired? Oh CW you sly foxes.

-Because shes so great Millie is offered a network morning gig, but she doesn't want to leave Mouth. He slaps her.

-Bartender guy's name is Chase. I thought you should know.

-Clay and Nathan are out recruiting marginal NBA prospects for their agency. They decide to sign some prospect because he's shooting hoops at 3 AM which obviously shows he has intangibles that exceed the fact he's not considered one of the top 75 players in the draft. And he's white. Of course he is.

-We come out of the next commercial break with Brooke covered in placenta and screaming to the heavens as her demon spawn wreaks havoc throughout the hospital. She then takes the scissors meant for the umbilical cord and drives it between the eyes of the bad seed who already killed the sibling. Fin.

-Just kidding stomach clock tells us we're at 7 months.

-Jaime tries to get Madison back by apologizing and giving the girle shoelace back. This works. Must try one day.

-I'm not joking about this next part - they bring Skillz back by having him wear a chicken suit and say 'aw hell no.' And thus ends the shows stab at racial balance.

-Millie decides to turn down the network job and stay with Mouth.

-Brooke is standing in heels, wearing a mini-skirt, on a stool, getting a heavy bag of flour off a top shelf and falls. This causes her to give birth (without noticing apparently) prematurely. Not a good sign for her future parenting skills. I mean seriously what 7 month pregnant woman gets on a stool and starts throwing around bags of cooking supplies?

-Aww Alex came to meet Chase a year later just where she said she would. I guess this means we jumped another five months ahead. He decides to forgive her (which given the way she looks isn't surprising).

-Nathan find's Dan working as a short order cook in some backwoods town. They have a moment and Nathan leaves. And this ends the appearance of the one cast member with any acting ability.

-I still can't get over the fact that the only appearance by the one black regular in the show's run was in a chicken suit for 1o seconds.

-Jaime's closing voice-over is unbearable (probably because he's reading from Lucas's book - which is just as unbearable as I remember).

-We get a closing montage with all the (white) characters speaking from the book which is obviously supposed to wrap up the series. Unfortunately does not end with Jaime getting hit by a train.

And we're done. I love it so much.

One Tree Hill: Flightless Bird

So its been almost exactly a year since I last watched an episode of everybody's favorite North Carolina based soap opera, and when I heard that the eighth season finale (you got that right, eight sesasons...and it was supposed to be the series finale but the CW decided to re up it for another year) aired this week I felt obligated to go and watch. Of course I forgot that the CW posts a week later so it wasn't up yet. But since I had already opened the player and wasn't wearing any pants I figured I'd watch the penultimate episode to get properly acclimated.

Anyway will I be able to step a year away, or will the labyrinthian plotting prove too intricate for me? We shall see. Anyway a few predictions:

-There will be at least one baby that came out of nowhere

-At least one character will have been killed because the actor wanted to pursue 'more mature' products

-There will be a ridiculous amount of product placement

-I will see, at most, one minority

-The kid playing Jaime will have learned how to act (okay I made the last one up)

Tonights concurrent viewing is the second half of game three of the western conference finals.

And away we go:

-Brooke is pregnant (prediction 1 is good to go)

-Good god Mouth is still a sportscaster

-So the big conflict is apparently that the outdoor court that the main characters played on as kids is being turned into condos. Keep in mind this is just a single blacktop court in what looks like the middle of serious weed country. Its not like this is the venice courts we're talking about. And apparently there's some bird called the 'Snidely Whiplash' (I may be off on the name) that just happens to be conveniently living there and is endangered.

-Brooke and some of the others go to Puerto Rico for a 'photo shoot.' Budget constraints mean that they apparently stand in the lobby of a Holiday Inn express, and then show B-roll of a real resort, before cutting back to our protagonists leaping around like idiots.

-Clay's big weekend is to put on a bedazzled shirt and drink beers out of a cooler in his living room. Did I mention this took place in North Carolina?

-Nathan and a bunch of other guys camp by the basketball court so they can find they can find the endangered bird. I'm not really sure why they need to camp since the court is right in the middle of town, but whatever.

-Great, Millie is still on the show. And she's apparently a reporter. Dressed in a dog costume. Doing a report about people cleaning up after their dogs. And she has an opportunity to be a correspondent on a morning show. Actually that makes perfect sense.

-Ahh the bird is actually called the Snipey Plover. I guess its kind of clever that they gave the fake endangered bird a name with snipe in it.

-Chuck and Jaime climb into an earthmover and see the key is in it before running off. Will this come back into play later?

-Brooke doesn't want to tell her friends that she's pregnant so when they go out she dumps sushi in her purse and throws drinks over her shoulder when no one is looking. Clever Girl. Why order something else when you can engage such an intricate subterfuge? Of course the supermodel is the only who noticed her plan and immediately deduced the situation. Just like real life.

-Thunder are back to 12 down with just under 9 to play. Might be an interesting game after all. -Lauren gets drunk, strips down to her underwear and locks herself out of her room for no apparent reason. Been there.

-I forgot Brooke wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant. I guess this is sort of like an immaculate conception then.

-CW online runs the same 10 second promo three times in each break. It has made me remember that this is 'TV to Talk about'

-OKC within 6

- The running joke through this episode is that Clay is wearing a sheet that makes him look like Brian Boitano. Because its those kinds of timely references that will appeal to your key 18-29 demographic.

-Quinn goes driving around the neighborhood (with the super model) near the resort and has this amazing observation:

'Sometimes it just strikes me how poverty and privilege became silent neighbors. And the world just keep going because it has to.'

I didn't realize this was going to be a very special episode. She gets over this very quickly and has the model posed with a bunch of colorful locals so she can get something a little more 'real.' I'm assuming she'll donate all proceeds to a local orphanage.

-Chuck (jaime's friend) gets mad and jumps into the earth mover destroying the campsite and clay's recliner. Rather than beating him into oblivion they try to talk about why he's angry. It ends in hugs. Good god this kid is going to become a serial killer.

-OKC down 9 with just under 4 left. I think the dream may be dead.

-The reason Chuck is mad is because his new mentor is leaving for the air force. This is particularly disturbing to him because his real dad told him he was leaving to buy Chuck a bike and then never came back (playa). Chuck then confesses that he still never learned how to ride a bike. I'm sure this will not become an issue in the future.

-Ohh, chuck's rampaging destructing uncovers a snipe nest. See kids, acting incredibly irresponsibly with construction equipment always results in good things.

-They do teach chuck to ride a bike. He then gets hit by a bus. Or not.

-Brooke was apparently going to move to New York but is staying town because of the pregnancy. Yeah they apparently don't allow children in manhattan (note to self if true we now have another reason to move to manhattan)

-Nathan tells jaime if he makes a shot the court won't be bulldozed. He of course makes it. Its going to be too bad when he loses all trust in his father after the court gets destroyed next week. I'm almost looking forward to the inevitable drug habit.

How I've missed this show, I'm definitely all in for the finale.

One Tree Hill:Every Picture Tells a Story

And everybody's favorite angst filled drama is back. Concurrent viewing tonight is Sharks-Wings overtime, followed by Lakers Utah game 2. Remember what happened last time? It was the end of somebody's acquaintance. And we have a potential fatal attraction situation. And the one black guy is back. And I'm incredibly good looking.

-Julian wakes to Psycho Brooke giving him breakfast in bed. Throw it out man. No Telling what she did to it.

-Clay tells his new girlfriend that he sees his dead wife sometimes and talks to her. She is completely cool with it because if she could see her dead mom now she would stay up all night talking to her too. Yeah...okay.

-Sharks Win. At least one bay area team has been sort of successful since I moved here.

-And we go to commercial break with Haley looking at a pregnancy test. You'd think after having to put up with Jaime for seven years she would have had her tubes tied six years ago.

Or maybe she thinks the baby will keep Jaime occupied? Hmmm.

-This scene features Car Crash by Wakey!Wakey!. As far as I can tell its a Josh Grobin soundalike singing over solo piano and violin. Classy

-Turns out Skillz is back for good and is willing to quit his job to get back with Lauren. He tells Mouth this just as Mouth's going to tell him that he wants to schtoop Lauren. AWK-WARD!!!

-Quinn's "Genius" idea is to have everyone who attends her gallery have their picture taken and then post it on the gallery wall so everyone can be living art. Wow, edgy. Apparently it doesn't take much to pass for cutting edge in tree hill. Though I give it even odds that an athlete's junk ends up on the wall.

-Since Mouth is a little punk Lauren is the one who has to rip Skillz' heart out by saying she doesn't want to be together.

-In a twist right out of 1992 somebody e-mails Julian Alex's stolen sex tape. He of course freaks out, because one thing we all know is that sex scandal surrounding an actress who's known for being a party girl hurts a film's box office prospects.

-Julian goes all crazy on Alex for the tape. Again the show has a surprisingly puritanical streak with him going nuts about a known promiscuous actress having sex, and she's not even the one who made the tape. Also she alludes to how this is going to ruin her career. I guess its refreshing how this show exists in a world where Kim Kardashian doesn't.

-In another fun product placement move a three minute sequence is devoted to Nathan and Jaime putting on Kiss makeup and playing Rock and Roll All Night on Guitar Hero. I guess when your getting a 1 share you have to pay the bills someway.

-The big record company exec is getting booted out of the country on a visa violation. I didn't know Tree Hill was in Arizona. Of course she immediately realizes shes White and from Europe and has nothing to worry about.

-Skillz decks mouth which knocks down a sheet that shows Alexander and Brooke's mom in flagrante delicto. Best photography exhibition ever.

-We now have a cover of a great Bob Dylan song. Guess the show isn't legit enough to use the real thing.

-Uh Oh turns out that the actor who shot the sex tape meant for it to get out, but he never wanted to blackmail anyone. Well I guess that makes up for it.

-Show ends with Haley bawling out by the pool for an unexplained reason. Color me intrigued.

This episode has actually been fairly boring, I may not make it until the final one (probably a lie).

One Tree Hill: The Last Day of Our Acquaintance

Wow the last Tree Hill until April 19th, I may not make it that long. Plus the title of the the episode is filled with such wonderful ambiguity. What does the last day mean? Is someone going to die? Or maybe just get a bad case of amnesia? And Whose Acquaintance? Brooke and Julian? But they were so much more than acquaintances! Maybe the episode is going to be about a fight between Nathan and the pool guy. Oh One Tree Hill consider my interest piqued.

-Brooke takes out her anger at Julian by screwing up the costuming for the film. Rather than firing her on the spot Julian just gets all whiny and walks away.

-Nathan and Haley find her mom's funeral arrangements just lying around, get mopey, and then immediately they find her passed out on the kitchen floor. Could this be the acquaintance that's ending?????

-The CW is TV to talk about, which I guess I'm doing now. That's good marketing.

-Clay starts recruiting a tennis player who is played by the actress who played his dead wife, nothing creepy about that.

-The CW is now throwing three commercials in each break. How dare they screw up my free online viewing with more ads.

-Third sister (remember the one who'd slept with the other two's husbands) still refuses to go see her dying mother. Odds that she turns up at the last minute in a montage set to a power ballad?

-I swear to god if the majority of this episode is devoted to the incredibly boring experience of the mom dying I won't watch this show again until after April 19th. Do I really need to hear an incredibly tedious story about Nat King Cole and Chicken Dumpling soup (which Haley makes her mom write down with her dying breath), just die already.

-Jaime's spending the day with Chester the morbidly obsese rabbit. To distract him from dying Grandma Nathan decides to kill chester and eat him in front of Jaime. Now that's good parenting.

-It turns out that Jaime wouldn't have had Chester if it wasn't for grandma:

Nathan: Didn't your mom and I buy you Chester?

Jaime: Grandma taught me to wish upon the star

Nathan: And you wished for Chester (the morbidly obese rabbit)? *Subtext Added

Jaime: Wouldn't you?

Well then

-Brooke hears Alex talking about having sex with who she assumes to be Julian, gets mad, and punches her in the face. On set,. Right before a scene is set to shoot. This finally causes Julian to fire her. Bout time, she had better job security than a government employee (da duh da da da dut duh).

-Uh Oh, Brooke found out that Alex had been sleeping with Alexander and not Julian. She feels foolish. Though apparently a black eye is enough to shut down a $50K a day movie shoot. So its possible for hollywood to get remove Angelina Jolie's thousand gallons of tatoo ink, but can't handle a shiner? If this is all it takes to shut down film production that just gives me another reason to punch Kate Hudson in the face.

-Pshyco tennis player googles Clay and finds out that she's a dead ringer for his dead ex wife (that's a lot of dead). Rather than causing her to feel some sympathy for him, it just makes her more attracted.

-I really can't take much more fortune cookie wisdom from dying mom. Its poorly written even for this show.

-In the upset of the century daughter number three shows up at the hospital. Maybe this means mom can finally die.

-Taylor reminds the mom of herself. So the mom also slept with her sisters' husbands? Go mom.

-HAHAHAHA, 'definitely not gay' fashion designer Alexander was also sleeping with Brooke's mom. That is range. Maybe this is the acquaintance that's ending.

-The sisterhood of the traveling borings (see what I did there) has a cathartic moment at mom's deathbed.

-Julian immediately takes Brooke back because her psychotic nature can be explained by her irrationally intense love for him. Good call there chief. I guess this acquaintance will not be ending.

-Alexander tells Victoria he likes her alot, so she slaps him and takes him back. I guess this acquaintance isn't ending either.

-Since Alexander didn't show up, Alex goes to her meathead costars room to have some anger sex. But of course, she doesn't notice the open laptop and camera he has positioned RIGHT NEXT TO THE BED. This isn't going to end well.

-Finally the mom is dead. If somebody read that last sentence in isolation it could make for an interesting interpretation (well that could be for a lot of reasons).

-Just as Lauren decides she wants Mouth's..mouth, Skillz walks back into the house (thus restoring the minority quota on the show). Could this be the fated Acquaintance?

-Show ends with psycho tennis player dying her hair to look like Clay's ex wife and saying that she's going to get him. Yeah this will go well, we haven't had a fatal attraction story line in a good season and a half.

One Tree Hill: At The Bottom of Everything

There's been some debate by the two people who actually read this blog about whether these one tree hill recaps should continue. One the one side Mark (who apparently is still figuring out the page down key) says he can't take it anymore and the show sounds too horrible to read about (though the fact that he is reading it sort of undercuts his point). Michael (in all his good taste and charisma) feels that I'm doing a community service with my pithy and non spell-checked entries. After literally seconds of soul searching I decided that I'm going to continue (at least until I see a shiny nickel to distract me).

This is a special pre-Cal beatdown of Duke edition of the recap (a boy can dream - I'm counting on you Max Zhang) so our concurrent viewing is the end of the Syracuse-Gonzaga game, which currently has Syracuse up 30 with 12 minutes left. I think the Zags still have a shot.

-The previously on recap ends with Haley's mom telling the girls she has cancer so I'm guessing the show is going to start with some slapstick humor?

-Oh its a somber family breakfast livened up by the worlds most annoying five year old Jaime. It ends with the dying mom calling everybody a bunch of buzzkills for not cracking wise over bacon. Seriously what a bunch of killjoys.

-Alex wakes up with 'most definitely not gay fashion designer also named Alex' still in her bed and throws a reasonable fit about not being able to sleep because the patio salesman convention guys are throwing parties in the next hotel room and blared metal all night. He basically calls her uptight since he apparently smoked a whole bag of weed the night before and slept through Appetite for Destruction.

-Hey the banner ad says I can connect with the hill as: 'The characters you love face the exciting possibility of dreams come true and the heartbreaking reality that being an adult isn't as easy as it seems.' I didn't make a mistake writing that, apparently the exciting possibility is dreams come true and opposed to coming true. Bold.

-Millie is still in NA and let me just say it doesn't really like the meetings I saw Bubbles attend in The Wire. I feel misled.

-The bartender at the one hangout in town has apparently written a great album and can't release it because he hasn't gotten over the chick he wrote it about. I think this is the same reason Axel waited so long to release Chinese Democracy.

-Pac-10 and Big-10 are the conferences with the highest proportion of teams remaining in the tournament. Suck it East Coast bias.

-Mouth starts to make a move on Skillz' woman Lauren while Skillz is in LA working. She starts it by saying how its so hard being apart and they don't talk as much, and she may just stop dating because its so hard to move on, blah blah blah. Between this, Quinn dumping her husband for no real rational reason, and Brooke breaking up with Julian for helping someone who just tried to commit suicide, the women on this show are showing a bit of instability.

-Millie comes back from NA and gets all pissie about mouth playing videogames (not a euphemism) with Lauren. Having watched enough procedurals I know this will inevitably drive her back to the smack.

-Julian and Brooke's parents are hooking up. He follows up this news by making a subtle move to get back together with Brooke. Interesting reaction.

-I just went a whole segment without writing a comment, mainly because it just dealt with boring Mouth and Millie and everybody talking about coming to terms with Haley's mom's impending death. My restraint has nothing to do with good taste and not wanting to make fun of the death of (fictional) people, I was just too bored to write anything. Not a good sign for the show.

-Owen is back sporting a heroic beard (which of course symbolizes his journey through addiction) and becomes Millie's sponsor. He also tells her to try and get Mouth back by 'showing him she's still the girl he fell in love with' but you know without the cocaine addiction.

-Grubbs the bartender tortures the hot British record exec about recording until she dresses up in lingerie and walks through the bar to show him that she believes in him and thinks he can succeed? I'm so in the wrong line of work. Though I believe this is the same way Barry Gordy signed the Supremes.

-The whole theme of the episode is about taking chances so it ends with Grubbs signing the recording contract, Mouth asking Lauren out, and Brooke walking in on Alex in Julian's bed - Why can't anything ever be easy for these crazy kids? Somehow I'm guessing that He just let her use his room to get some sleep, but I'm betting Brooke won't handle the development with aplomb.

One Tree Hill: Don't you forget about me

Tonights concurrent viewing will be the second half of the Cal-UCLA Pac-10 semi-final. Michael Roll needs to die.

-As promised I'm doubling back an episode to see the special eighties dance themed episode. Of course the episode opens with a certain talking heads song.

-Clay: We're only a couple hundred miles away from tree and we're in a corvette, well be home before you can say Yao Ming'

Drives said corvette over parking spikes

Nathan: Yao Ming

-Ahhhh, Nathan needed to get back for haley's birthday. Now she thinks he forgot. I'm sure this won't end with a slow dance set to a song with tons of synthesizers

-THEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ROBERTSONNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Jaime, the sly fox, cons his way into staying home alone.

-Two completely random characters (one of them is helpfully black, thus fulfilling the shows quota of minorities) are suddenly Mouth's roommates, and are apparently well known enough to babysit Jaime. I love how they just introduce new people and expect me to accept it. Don't you play with my heart One Tree Hill.

-Nathan and Clay's only option to get home is to ride on the back on a pickup carrying pigs. Because...North Carolina doesn't have taxis? Anyway Bridge is out. I guess this episode is going to be a low rent version of Planes Trains and Automobiles.

-Jaime's idea of going crazy is making root beer floats and giant pancakes. I hope a drifter stops by the house and murders him.

-Or they could have him find all the decorations for his moms birthday. My scenario's better.

-Patrick Christopher! - Suck it Bruins

-Julian's favorite director is...John Hughes. 'Because those just weren't movies about teenagers they were about the struggle everyone has to find themselves. Talk about a director with clear vision. I'd like to make a movie half as good as his' All right lets just calm down there chief. I like Ferris Beuller as much as anybody, but I don't think making a film half as good as Home Alone is really what I would consider a particularly impressive life goal.

-Wow, Cheap Trick is playing the eighties dance...and they don't look well. Seriously Bun E Carlos looks like he just had a catheter removed. Man...Cheap Trick. What are the odds even 1% of this show's target demographic knows who they are? I have to know the payout the label gave the CW for this placement.

-Jerome Randle is the man.

-Clay and Nathan are getting pissy with eachother while wandering through the woods. They'll probably start making out soon.

-I really like Jorge Gutierrez

-Stupid Michael Roll, suck against everyone else and go for 20 a game against Cal.

-Nathan buys Porsche from some woman on the highway to get home on time and then tells Haley its her birthday present. This is going to be awkward when she finds the dead hooker in the trunk.

-And Cheap Trick brings out something from the new album. Not a good idea.

-Nathan: What Are you going to wish for

Haley: I already have everything I ever wanted

They Kiss, and for some reason are sitting on the kitchen table so they can reenact some John Hughes film.

And the closing title card says the episode was dedicated to big John's memory. Hasn't the man's family suffered enough?

One Tree Hill: My attendance is bad, but my intentions are good

Well I was seriously considering giving up on the show as it hadn't been able to reach the demented lunacy of the previous season, but then I saw a story indicating that it might not get picked up after seven seasons (apparently averaging a one share will only get you so far) so I figured I should at least see it through to the end.

-Tonight's concurrent viewing - US vs. Canada hockey game. I burned a maple leaf in anticipation.
-USA USA USA. Goal in the first minute, suck on it Canada.
-According to the flashbacks I missed an episode, somehow I think I'll be okay.
-Haley's one sister's ex-husband just broke up with her other sister (the same one who slept with Nathan in high school). Soooo complicated. I think she hooks up with Jaime next.
-Ahhh, Sidney Crosby is pouting. Poor Baby. I love the unbridled jingoism of the Olympics.
-Julian is struggling to write the dialogue for a scene but 'it doesn't feel honest.' He and Brooke (who is working as the costume designer on his film even though she and Julian are 'taking some time off') then have the following conversation:

Julian: 'I don't think he says enough. He needs to convince her that he really loves her, but doesn't know the words'
Brooke: 'What are the words?'
Julian: 'I don't know yet but I will...The movie depends on it'

I see what you did there One Tree Hill...well played.
-Stupid Canucks, just scored to even it. It was quite a goal though.
-In Your Face Canada, right back at ya. Rafalski!!!!!
-Apparently Haley is having another baby, typical rock star can't keep from getting knocked up.
-Much like Lucas's book from last season Julian's film sucks. The alleged intense script is nothing more than a Lifetime movie knockoff. This will of course lead to the film winning an independent spirit award during a very special Sundance episode.
-Turns out Nathan likes Shrek 2...actually makes sense.
-Jaime runs down the list of people he misses (and no longer appear on the show) and shockingly it includes every black person who ever had more than two lines (granted there were only two, but still). This show probably isn't getting an NAACP image award any time soon.
-Ahhhh crap, canada just scored again.
-Haley's mom just shows up unannounced and in the most shocking twist ever is not just there for a visit. Baby, she's got a disease (in this case pancreatic cancer and has no options for treatment - this show is all about all or nothing). Helpfully this is not the kind of life threatening illness that will keep her from 'enjoying the time she has left.' If this leads to One Tree Hill having a special 'dealing with death' episode I'm all in favor of this development.
-Wow noted canadian Donald Sutherland is in attendance (at the game) now you know its special. This brings the list of people featured in the broadcast of an Olympic hockey qualifying game shown on MSNBC whose tax return I've worked on to...one.
-Waaahhh, the mother character who has never actually appeared on the show in its previous seven seasons is dying. I'm so sad.
-One of (soon to be) dead mom's final acts is to rent a space for Quinn to display her photographs. Because, you know, one thing regional north Carolina towns will support is a no-name's photography studio.
-Millie gets called plain by a customer at the storm and it throws her into a fit of depression that makes her almost snort some nose candy. Thankfully before she goes down that dark road she realizes she's 'not fine' and goes to NA. Touching.
-So when Alex is sad she does shots of water and sleeps with random guys (in this case Brooke's underline straight fashion designer). Hmmmm
-And we're done. I'm thinking about going back and watching the previous episode which apparently features an eighties themed high school alumni dance. Might be worth checking out.

One Tree Hill: Weeks Go by Like Days

Yeah I was going to blow this off and try to plow through the stack some more, but somehow writing snarky comments about mediocre television can be justified as being productive (in my mind at least). So here we go again:

-Wow the celtics are down 17 to the magic. Yes I am watching a game in the background again. Deal with it.
-We start with Haley on the road getting hyped up to go on stage by singing 'mama going to knock you out' with her roadies and family. Its kind like of how I get ready to go out with your mom.
-I do appreciate that rather than writing original songs for Haley to sing the the WB just has her sing songs by whatever indie band paid them enough to get promoted (In this case Flying Machine by Everly)
-We get a montage of what everybody's doing (haley on the road, Brooke has a new designer, Julian is out making a new movie and pining for Brooke, Alex is in rehab, and Clay is hustling clients by going to local playgrounds, Millie is being tried for drunk driving)
-Brooke meets Julian in the airport and then throws a hissie fit when she sees Alex.
-Ray Ray just got blocked by Dwight
-Victoria hires Millie as her assistant (which is apparently all it takes to get out of a DUI in North Carolina. I know that being employed is considered a big deal in the south, but come on)
-This episode is directed by Joe Davola - I knew he had big things ahead of him when I watched Seinfeld
-One Tree Hill would like to emphasize that the designer Brooke hired is straight. They do this by having her make fun of him for all his meaningless one night stands. That's right folks don't be afraid, no gays here.
-Thanks god all of Jaime's friends find him just as annoying as I do. He's basically been running his mouth constantly about being on the road and they get bored and go live their lives. These are some saavy six year olds.
-Ooh Alex is at a party...but its just to save Millie who was just about to go face first into a pile of blow, or as I like to call it thursday night. That's right I'm bad (goes and writes about this in Hello Kitty notebook).
-Puppy Bowl is on...hmmmm
-So is Coyote Ugly
-Alex makes Millie cry by telling her that she loves her (bow chicka wow wow). This has suddenly taken a turn for the sexy.
-Haley has Jaime announce her at her hometown gig. I was hoping he would get hit with a urine bomb.
-Ahhh we have another Everly song, I guess we know what album is coming out this week. I can't wait until Lil Wayne wants to promote on this show.
-Sweet Jesus apparently has a cover of Pat Benatar's 'We Belong.' Of course Haley has to sing it with three tympani players on stage. Nothing the kids like more than old eighties glam pop tunes.
-Julian finally gets tired of Brooke's psycho act and tells her off. About time. I mean I know they'll end up together but about time psycho got called on it.
-I'm still trying to get over the fact that they had Haley end her show with a cover of Pat Benatar tune (and with a glitter storm at the end no less). Maybe it is coming back.
-All of Jaime's friends like him again when they get backstage passes. I think he just learned an impressive lesson about buying people off.
-Ah they let the actress playing Haley doing one of her own songs for the encore. Probably contractual. After listening to the whole thing it was definitely contractual.
-Ahh Haley and Quinn's older sister is dating QUinn's ex-husband. She also slept with Nathan when they were in high school. Classy.

Update: You really have no idea what the We Belong cover was like, I have to embed it:

One Tree Hill: Some Roads Lead Nowhere

I have to be honest, I'm considering giving up this show. The insanity level hasn't been to its previous heights and its becoming more conventional WB boring than interesting. We'll see. Anyway back to the fun.

-Oooh, super serious opening with Clay sitting by the pool no doubt wondering how he got here (here's a hint - you suck as an agent), with then a cut to a montage of all the hurting people on the show, climaxing with Julian finding Alex having slashed her wrists in her bathtub. They then try to equate this with Skillz having to move to LA away from her girlfriend, and Millie realizing she's been a douche. I think Alex wins the my life sucks department.
- I'm watching Cal's basketball team get annihilated by Washington while doing this so if any random bursts of profanity appear you know why.
-How much do you want to bet that Brooke blames Julian for ignoring Alex, even after she spent the last several episodes saying that Alex was a lying manipulator.
-Nathan is still going to spain. Apparently every NBA team is still 'capped out.'
-Skillz elementary school teacher girlfriend gets mad that he didn't ask her to go with him to LA. He then asks her and she says no, but it would have been nice to be asked.
-Alex (while drugged out in a hospital bed): You Came
Julian: Of course I came
Alex: That's what she said

Is that clever? Or completely inappropriate? I'm unsure. Also Julian tells her they got financing for the movie. So your potential star attempts suicide and all of a sudden the project is fast tracked? Actually that makes sense.

-Really down 21 points with 16 minutes left? That's how we roll Cal? In a weak Pac-10 year you roll over like this.
-Clay goes to a hospital to try and snake an NBA player (kings Center) whose mom just got diagnosed with cancer from his old firm. The show tries to play this as a compassionate move on his part.

-Mouth: I remember looking at that mirror and telling you how beautiful and special you are. How can you not see it?
Millie: Marvin, when I look at that mirror all I want to do is cut a line on it and snort it. That's what I see.

Ooooh, dark. I love that Millie has become Keith Richards in approximately a week of doing blow. Lightweight.

-Oh its compassionate because Clay is going to figure a way to have the bobcats trade their recently signed point guard for the Kings Center, conveniently opening up a way for them to resign nathan. I guess this means we won't get One Tree Hill Barcelona edition, too bad. Oh the way he gets in to meet the bobcats GM is to have Quinn try out for a cheerleader position (which the GM is of course judging - another reason to be a GM), and she performs like a retarded stripper (set to Momma going to knock you out). I think this was intentional?
-Washington is going to drop a 100 on Cal, of course they are.
-Dan says on his TV show that he's sorry and is going to give away all his money. Classy.
-Millie goes to rehab, hopefully for good.
-down 29 points, 8 minutes left. Looks like another third place league finish. Now switching to the AZ-NO game
-Clay has his Jerry McGuire moment in Nathan's living room. Everything is right in the NBA universe.
-Skills and his girlfriend go all sad and weepy because he's leaving for LA. Another relationship where the participants don't understand trans-continental travel.
-Millie busts out of rehab. Tremendous.
-Clay and Quinn decide to be together - I guess her rational husband she ran out on is out of the picture

And we're done. Still not sure how long I'm going to stick this out, especially since the sports stuff looks to be going on the back burner.

One Tree Hill - You know I love you, Don't You

I may be a little less than focused for this. Its the final game of the regular season in my fantasy football league and I'm playing for the division (and the ever valuable bye week). I'm currently up by nine (of course I was on plane this morning and missed the fact that my kicker was benched and got a nice zero out of that position) and my opponent has the vikings defense playing Arizona. So far so good but a pick six would kill me, therefore if you see a stream of profanity you know why.

-It looks like the Jerry McGuire ripoff is in full effect. Clay's former agency has taken all his clients and he has to drive to Arkansas to convince some unknown college QB to stick with him.
-Jamie's favorite movie is White Man Can't Jump. That's some sound parenting right there. This gives Skills the idea to use Jaime and his annoying friend Chet in his promo video for a job as a sports coordinator.
-Nathan's agency proposes that he go Spain to play because every (I repeat 'every') NBA team has a full roster and is capped out(see previous post). They seem to imply that playing in Europe for a year will raise his profile enough to get an NBA deal. So he's gone from getting a two year $20 million contract offer to getting shipped off to Spain. Are we sure he's actually any good?
-Ahh Mouth misses the Old Mille, not the new drunk driver version. He says this all to her while she's passed out. Savvy
-Phew, she was just pretending to sleep.
-Julian tells Alex that Brooke can't have kids. He wants her to keep it to herself. Then proceeds tells her that he didn't know how much he wanted to have kids until he found out he couldn't have any. That's right, tell the emotionally unstable drug addict model who is still in love with you that you want to have kids. That'll keep her away.
-Clay apparently drives to Arkansas from North Carolina in one morning to convince this great unknown QB prospect to stick with him. It seems like it should have taken more time for him to get there. Lets pause a second to check Google Maps....yeah it should have been 13 hours minimum, and there's no way his suit should still be perfectly pressed. I call misleading. This prospect has an agent so he's obviously not enrolled in college (or maybe he is, and Clay is about to put a University on probation) yet Clay is banking on him to be the next great NFL QB, even though nobody knows about him (his words). An auspicious debut for the new agency.
-Oh no, even Tebow part two is thinking about firing him. We're this close to having Clay scream Show Me The Money.
-Millie flips out when Alex flushes the last of her crack. She's a mean drunk (or junkie, or whatever).
-Alright Opie isn't so unknown, he knows he's due a big payday and cuts Clay off like Michael did to Fredo.
-Haley has to go on tour, so now Nathan can't just run off to Spain because they wouldn't be together. Apparently her going on tour would be okay if he still played for Charlotte because...he would go with her???
-Alex gives Brooke fertility booklets. This goes over well.
-Clay makes a detour to Memphis, lets check google again...okay only three hours, its possible, but then gets back to tree hill before nighfall possible. Though he apparently has traveled 1500 in one day with several stops. Maybe Millie isn't the only crack addict.
-Skills has Jaime and Chuck dress like the guys from White Men Can't jump and reenact some scenes. This is wrong on so many levels. Not least because a ten year old goofy white kid is playing Wesley Snipes' role. Poor Wesley.
-Millie's cocaine contact says she has to steal Brooke's prototype dress or the C-Train is cut off. I sense a confrontation.
-Jaime is draining ten footers and dribbling like he's on the Globetrotters. The show then honest to god has him dunk. He used chuck as a stepping stool, but really? They actually plays this whole scene straight, like its perfectly normal for a six year old to dunk on a ten foot rim (which I actually kind of respect). Also Skills is doing this reel to get a job as a sports coordinator, and there's nothing Hollywood looks for more than kids playing street ball. Actually strike that, there's probably a remake of White Men Can't jump starring elementary school kids in the works.
-Nathan, in a stunning display of logic, realizes that Haley can go on tour for a few weeks and then meet him in Spain. Haley is flabbergasted by this idea.
-Apparently Alex's movie didn't sell because she was attached and nobody wanted to produce a film by a marginally talented actress who has a sordid past. Much like the NBA this versionof Hollywood apparently has a morality clause.
-Yes Arizona, 27 points and Minnesota's defense throws up a nice -2 points. Who's the big winner?
-Mouth gives mille the old 'If you walk out that door don't bother coming back speech,' Brooke tells Julian she needs some time apart, Clay tell Quinn he's leaving, and Skills and Jaime have an emotional breakup. Sooooo much drama.
-Skills asks Mouth to go to LA with him, man I hope he does. Maybe the writers have realized he sucks as bad as I think.
-Episode ends with Alex leaving Julian a morose e-mail and then slitting her wrists in a bathtup. No way they actually let her die, but a girl can hope.

One Tree Hill - You are a runner and I am my Father's son

Promising Developments from last time:
-The Bobcats have 'capped' themselves out (apparently the NBA has a hard cap now) by trading for another point guard. The implication being Nathan won't be able to sign anywhere else, and we finally learn that the reason they were scared by the groupie thing is that he wasn't that good.
-Millie has moved on from regular diet pills to cocaine - the ultimate diet pill
-Brooke isn't pregnant - possibly the first time in a soap opera where a lack of pregnancy is the big shocker

And here we go:
-The show just ignores the fact that the NBA doesn't have a salary cap, just a luxury tax limit. Teams can spend as much as they want, they just have to pay a tax for any excess. But enough about the collective bargaining agreement.
-Nathan runs off to make Clay tell him why 'he lied to his face' when he told Nathan he would get a deal done.
-Nathan goes crazy when he hears that he can no longer play for the Bobcats (and that Clay is nailing Quinn) - he then fires Clay on the spot. I guess in this reality the Bobcats are a desirable team to play for.
-Even the Bobcats are unaware that the NBA doesn't have a hard cap. Michael Jordan must still be running things from the golf course.
-Really Mike Tolbert gets san diego's goal line carry??? Not LT or Gates??? Sorry fantasy football break
-Millie's crack addiction manifests itself by her sorting clothes. I guess this is better than knocking over a convenience store.
-Brooke takes out her not being pregnant on Julian.
-Alex realizes Millie has been stealing her coke. She gets suspicious when Millie comes over talking fast. She should be on The Wire, that's some good detecting.
-Rachel wants to do Dan's show from the hallway where he murdered his brother (we get a nice flashback) and a high school kid killed himself. She continues to be the most realistic character on the show, I can totally see Oprah doing the same thing.
-Millie plays hardball with Brooke and demands $500K to keep modeling. Nose Candy isn't going to buy itself.
-Brooke calls Millie an ungrateful employee for demanding market value. Who knew she was a closet communist.
-The moral of this week's show is that personal relationships are more important than business, and that Nathan should feel bad for firing Clay because they're friends. And Millie should feel bad for asking to get paid.
-Looks like Skillz is moving to LA to be a sports coordinator.
-Alex tells Millie she needs to stop doing coke. She says she will. That's what I call drug counseling.
-Clay's agency fires him over the Nathan deal. He walks off and puts a picture of Nathan and him facedown on the counter. That's what I call symbolism.
-Mouth: 'Television's funny. It can erase all your mistakes, or hold them against you.' Deep
-Quinn gets mad because Clay held out for a better deal and got fired. She argues his holding out meant that he thought Nathan was worth more and this shouldn't be held against him. This must be how Michael Crabtree's agent stays employed
-Brooke's infertile, duh duh duh
-Millie finds new cocaine contact (McKenna the model), looks like Alex's drug talk didn't work. Shocking
Mouth finds a rolled up hundred on the bathroom floor, and sees white residue on a mirror. Way to cover your tracks Millie. Maybe this means she wants to get caught. Or she just sucks at it.
-And we have the tell tale bloody nose as Millie vehemently denies being a drug addict. Mouth calmly hands her the rolled up bill and says 'I believe this is yours.' I think we're approaching the much anticipated meltdown.
-Dan tries to drown Clay for messing up Nathan's career. Except he was just using it as a teaching tool to get Clay to fix the situation. Savvy.
-Alex is off the wagon. So if she slept around a lot when she was sober I guess now its going to get even crazier.
-Millie gets busted for drunk driving (with Alex in tow). I guess this is bottom. How disappointing.
-Millie calls Brooke from the drunk tank. Brooke hangs up on her. Well Played. Coke fiend needs a night in the slammer.

One Tree Hill - Now You Lift your eyes to the sun

Wow Heather Locklear is starring on the new Melrose Place, shockingly she was available. I may not consider watching it now (see what I did there)

-Brooke is still going crazy about Julian working with Alex.
-Clay tells Nathan he should turn down a 2 year offer - which he says is only being offered because of the groupie's story. You know the one that has been proven to be false.
-Millie is becoming a party crazy model hopped out on diet drugs. I am enjoying this
-Mouth finds her bag of pills, odds that she says they're vitamins?
-Clay keeps playing hardball with Charlotte
-Dan's back baby. He flies in on a private jet with a picture of him on the side. I want to make fun, but I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing if I became television talk show host with a show centered around what I'm learning from my imminent death.
-Haley is giving a free concert, and apparently the demand is so high that dozens of people ar elined up for it. Taylor Swift she is not - though there is a chance she actually sings one of Ms. Swift's songs.
-OMG Brooke might be pregnant. She handles this well.
-Dan's wife to Jaime - 'Oh I remember when you were a rumor in third period' - about time someone smacked that little whiner with some cold reality
-While waiting for Charlotte to respond to his Boras like tactics Clay bonds with the fourth black guy in the history of the show, an orphan at a school where Quinn volunteers, by shooting hoops with him and talking about their dead relatives. Because if there's anything that a seven year old wants to hear about its your dead wife.
-Brooke's not pregnant. She is legitimately devastated. I'm sure she won't take this out on Julian
-Alex freaks out when they finish the script and she's no longer able to work with Julian every night. Smash cut to her sitting over a mirror with some interesting paraphernalia on it. I think getting back on the smack is a bit of an overreaction but what do I know. This is capped off with her calling Julian and saying that she's about to fall off the wagon if he doesn't come over to her hotel right away. I guess that's one way to get his attention.
-Haley's music can best be described as 'Maybe' by Everly. Product placement strikes again.
-Millie calls Mouth 'Mouth' which apparently she never does. I guess this means she's gone hollywood. Basically in about three days she's become a pill popping, dress stealing, slang slinging epitome of every model cliche ever. That's commitment to a lifestyle.
-Nathan gives dan the old "You're dead to me - The moment Keith died you died" classic
-Brooke to Julian "Well I'm worried about us but you do what you've got to do." How dare he try keep a smack addict off the coke train.
-It turns out Alex didn't have any cocaine - Millie stole it and is now snorting up like a pro. I haven't seen a decent into narcotics this fast in a situation not involving a professional athlete.
-Episode ends with Charlotte trading for another point guard, the immortal Derrick Mcdaniel, and the a sportscast announcer saying that this leaves Nathan 'needing to find a spot elsewhere, if at all.' The implication is that Nathan's career prospects are so bleak that no one else will sign him. Maybe Charlotte only offered a two year deal for something known as legitimate basketball reasons. Now it all makes sense, Nathan actually sucks and the team was just using the groupie nonsense to avoid having to resign him. I knew the show would explain everything. They were a little too excited about that double-double

One Tree Hill - I just Died in your arms tonight

So now that this whole groupie allegedly ruining Nathan's chances to sign an NBA contract storyline is all played out, what could possibly happen to interrupt the idyllic tranquil of the North Carolina hamlet? Let's find out:

-I accidentally started the episode 27 minutes in and didn't notice for about three. I'm serious. I think this speaks to its timeless nature
-Episode opens with Dan getting a heart transplant in mexico, but he's still awake when they cut him...oh wait it was a dream. Fake out.
-This episode is apprently going to revolve around Julian getting forced to go camping with Nathan and the boys
-Clay hallucinates his dead ex wife coming out of the pool like Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Apparently he hasn't really moved on as much as we thought. His wife, remember she's only in his head, then nags him for not going on the camping trip.
-Just as Nathan says "First rule of camping - pack light" Julian walks up with half of REI on his back. AWKWARD
-Quinn and Brooke feed Haley 'special' brownies which just makes her hungrier. Haley doesn't realize this means pot. My guess is hijinks will ensue.
-Smash cut to everybody watching Wizard of Oz on the couch eating cheetos - well played
-Clay is still in his pool chatting with his dead wife. She doesn't like the outfits he's imagining for her. Even in his dreams he gets nagged. Nice
-Dan hallucinates a bloody body while on air and then passes out. His wife says "We should have saved that for sweeps." Because she's only concerned with ratings you see
-In a flashback we learn that Dan went to Mexico and purchased a new heart for $5,000, which according to Rachel is "A fortune to these people." I assume she means Antoine Walker circa 2009.
-Haley has emptied the refrigerator and is snacking. Brooke is still paranoid. That must have been some amazing pot.
-They then decide to call a Psychic to make a house call. These are some motivated pot heads.
-Apparently Dan hasn't told anyone about his transplant, so everyone believes he's living on borrowed time. Apparently this chance that he could die on air is all that is driving his ratings. That actually makes sense.
-Showing how its right on the pulse of 2007, the show has Julian suggest to Mouth that he give the Internet a try - maybe do some of that web casting thingy. I can already see the storyline where they show how a straight talking sports blob becomes immediately popular and makes tons of money. Much like the NBDL
-The guys sit around the campfire discussing the best Sports movie of all time. Nathan says Field of Dreams - solid. Mouth suggests Coach Carter which Skills says is a strong choice. I really can't say how many things are wrong with that statement. Seriously I could write a book about that insanity. But I won't
-Skills spills how Nathan and Brooke made a sex tape in high school. Julian reacts with restraint and aplomb (he actually does, could it be we have an emotionally developed being on the show?)
-The Psychic says something in latin as she leaves and two lightest weight potheads of all time freak out. They immediately consult a Ouija board to find out if its a curse. Savvy.
-I can't take it - Hoosiers, Chariots of Fire, Miracle, even Invincible all way better than Coach Carter. Though its still ahead of Seabiscuit
-Apparently Clay never told anyone he was married - his dead wife says this is why he's still haunted.
-Quinn (about who we'll just keep ignoring the fact that she left her husband because he made the unreasonable demand that he didn't want to be a starving documentarian any more) shows up at Clay's doorstep. He tells her about his wife, cries, and says 'it doesn't matter how fast you run, pain will always run faster.' Deep
-Dan is haunted by a spectre of the boy he got his heart from. Apparently Rachel paid some family to pull the plug on the kid to get the heart. To reassure him she says
'I did what I had to do to save your life, I'm not a murderer, you are'
Way to assuage your husbands fear by bringing up how he killed his brother. Its almost like you can't trust gold digging ex strippers to be supportive wives.
-In a stunning display of parenting Nathan lets Jaime run off into the forest to examine a strange sound just so Jaime will feel brave. It makes me almost want to have kids, so I can treat them like the proverbial canary in the cole mine.
-Dan decides to go back to Tree Hill. Duh Duh Duh

One Tree Hill - I and Love and You

Judging by the new stream, One Tree Hill has gotten HD treatment. I can't think of a more deserving show.

-We start with Dan about to put renee the groupie on his show 'Scott Free' (I'm not kidding) ostensibly to 'bury' Nathan. Nathan says this interview will keep him out of the NBA. Because apparently she could say so much more that people don't already know. Maybe it'll turn out that Nathan beats Vietnamese children. Not that even that could keep a 20 ppg shooting guard out of the league
-Ahh the mysterious visitor to Clay is his ex-wife who left him and is now taunting him
-Clay (nathan's agent) is afraid the interview will end both his and Nathan's career. I guess he doesn't have that diverse of a client base
-Nathan and Hailey talk about how their life as they know it will probably end after this interview. I'm not sure if this storyline is more ludicrous than the way the show portrayed the NBDL as being successful, but I do have to give it to the writers for standing pat and not wavering from the idea that allegations of infidelity would deep six an NBA stars career
-35-11-6, apparently this is the 'career' stat line that Nathan was out and caused him celebrate to such a degree that he got loaded and allegedly knocked up the groupie. I mean this is a nice enough game, but lets reign it in guys. If that is what sets you off that means that your regular stats couldn't have been all that impressive. Maybe that has more to do with why you're having contract issues. Now this all makes sense
-Ahh the hook of this episode is all the characters who are currently in relationship trouble flashing back onto how happy they were in the past. How I hate them
-Brooke continues to be Psycho chick and gets all pissy because Julian is still working with Alex. The one whose advances he repeatedly rebuffed, but she still doesn't 'trust' him. Of course she doesn't. She still can't out crazy Peyton
-Its like the things that Dan is saying on the broadcast are perfectly relevant for all the characters in the show. Spooky
-Oh Snap, Dan springs a lie detector test on Renee. Tricky. And she lets them rig her up even though she doesn't want to take it. Wuss
-Flashback for the agent - his wife convinces him only to represent 'good' guys, and find clients who he believes in and with whom he can be friends. Looks like somebody has watched Jerry McGuire and few too many times
-Dan's catch phrase is "Stand in the light - get yourself right." Catchy
-Nathan brings up a relevant point that Dan could be rigging the lie detector. This doesn't stop everyone from believing it when it says Renee is telling the truth. Talk about easily manipulable. Its like in the Invention of Lying, everybody just accepts what they hear.
-Apparently Quinn left her husband because he decided that he wanted to get a job with medical benefits instead of being a struggling documentary filmmaker. Seems reasonable to me.
-Dan hooks himself up to the lie detector and shows that the machine returns true for every statement - everybody is predictably shocked. Dan then reads Renee's pupils to show she was lying. So he's the Mentalist as well. The whole thing was a set up - tricky.
-Everybody is so relieved when Renee admits she didn't have sex with Nathan. I guess they can hear the dollar signs in the background.
-The last record Clay was playing before his wife left him was Willie Nelson's - Angel flying Too Close to The Ground. I didn't realize Willie wanted to appeal to the Jonas Brothers demographic.
-Ahhhh hahahahahah, I completely called it last episode. His wife didn't leave him, she died and he's been hallucinating her this entire time. Perfect. I don't think we've had a two episode 'I talk to dead people' storyline yet.
-Julian takes care of Brooke's crazy without having to propose. Smooth, I figured for sure the episode would end with him on his knee.
-Instead it ends with Clay talking to his dead wife and crying - yet somehow he finally learns to let go. I think we can all learn something from this, and I am not ashamed to admit that I found the whole thing to be incredibly moving.

See this show teaches us to love again, and you think it only exists to promote the Starburst summer concert series.

One Tree Hill - Deep Ocean Vast Sea

The title already has me excited, and the episode description is:Haley considers taking matters into her own hands when Nathan's scandal threatens his endorsement deals.

Let's ignore for the fact that unless Nathan is suddenly endorsing Berean Bible Bookstores, I can't think of any sponsors that would actually dump and NBA star because of the allegation of impropriety. What interests me is that Haley apparently doesn't decide to get involved until the money get cut off. Perfect.

-Episode starts with a Rainstorm Body Spray commercial getting cut off before the shoot because the sponsor got skittish. The commercial was set to star Nathan laying in bed with a scantily clad model, so this is like Axe dumping somebody who might have slept around.
-Millie is partying for the second night in the row with Alex. We can tell it was crazy because her hair is standing
-Dan asks Renee (groupie) to appear on his TV show to tell her story. I'm sure this will go well
-Nathan gets mad when Haley (reasonably) asks about Renee's number showing up all over his cell phone bill. Nathan's response: I'm an NBA star, girls get my number. I respond to each of them individually and explain that while I appreciate their interest, I am happily married and my wife trusts me. This is of course easier than, I don't know, ignoring them. He finishes by saying "I guess I did lie haley...about my wife trusting me." BURN!
-I'm so bored with the Millie as a model storyline
-At least the show acknowledges that Nathan would still be employed by an NBA team with this scandal. It just means he's going to get paid a lot less.
-Now Haley wants to pay groupie off to say she lied, basically because it would be less than what he's losing in endorsements. I wonder if she did the appropriate present value calculations to reach that decision
-Awww, Nathan's agent is already having an existential crisis so this whole Nathan scandal thing is really harshing his mellow.
-I hate to keep harping on this, but the fact that Nathan is losing endorsements is killing me. Kobe actually had to go to trial and all I think he lost was Nutella.
-Julian asks Mia if she ever met anyone on tour who surprised her with their talent. She said Chris Martin (not really). He apparently doesn't believe that Alex could write the improved script. Bigot
-Nathan's agent, Clay, talks to a strange woman in the bar from his past - My guess is that she's a hallucination
-Haley tells Nathan that she's paying Renee, no argument. Momma want a bigger house I guess
-Brooke realizes that Alex is just acting like high school Brooke. Hmmm, I wish I knew brooke in high school
-Mouth goes all network and goes on the air with a heavy handed criticism about the network's coverage of the scandal. He then encourages the viewers to stop watching in protest. It ends with his slow-mo walk out of the studio. Tremendous
-HAHAHAHAHA Millie sneakes some of Alex's diet pills. I'm suddenly liking where this is going. If she ends up crying in the corner after getting addicted I am going to be so happy.
-According to the cast bios 90% of the female cast modeled in teen vogue (my estimate). That includes Mouth.
-Brooke fires Alex and gets mad at Julian - exits by saying 'Ciao Bitches'
-Haley has a change of heart about paying Renee off, but she feels bad because Nathan might lose his career. Seriously.
-Mystery woman apprently not a hallucination
-Millie sneaks off to have a diet pilll...excellent
-Episode ends with Quinn, who previously admitted a fear of the vastness of the ocean, walking off into the sea. It would be awesome if she stays.

One Tree Hill - Your Cheating Heart

Let's get right into this shall we:

-Haley smacking the groupie is all over the youtubes, she is sooooooooooooooo embarrassed
-Brooke doesn't trust Alex working with Alex. Because Alex is hot and easy you see. Julian temporarily calms the crazy down by promising to knock Brooke up at some point
-Hah! Haley is actually cuffed and arrested for slapping the groupie. Good to see Tree Hill law enforcement is all over this.
-Nathan freaks out because he can't get ahold of his agent or haley's sister (who are shacking up together) and apparently he's unable to bail Haley out on his own.
-Millie wearing a t-shirt with a crayon on it is such a big hit that Brooke wants to make her a model full time...and there's that
-Apropos of nothing I love Tom Brady and his 43 fantasy points in one half
-Haley is in the tank with a couple of prostitutes and battered women- they sass her and they have a focus group about how much men cheat. This will not mess with her head in any way I'm sure
-I need to reiterate that Nathan avoids bailing Haley out until his agent shows up hours later because he is apparently incapable of doing it himself.
-Groupie chick decides to drop charges, and tells Haley Nathan was drunk that night and tells Haley to see if her number shows up on Nathan's old cell phone bills
-Alex gets naked for Julian, he freaks out and runs off on her. She can't understand why he won't sleep with her
-Millie's high powered new job as a 'model' keeps her from spending time with Mouth. He cries.
-Dan calls and tries to help Nathan - he is rebuffed for the whole killing his brother thing. These people hold grudges
-Nathan is still mad that his agent wasn't around to help bail haley out. The paparazzi descend on the Tree Hill police station to watch the perp walk.
-Oh yeah Mia's back...its so boring I have nothing to say about it
-Julian gives up on making movies because Alex won't stop trying to sleep with him. I can identify. I can't tell you how many times I've been in similar situations (except replace making films with knitting Hello Kitty purses and a hot model named Alex with a stuffed big-bird toy)
-Haley asks Nathan one more time if there's any truth to the story - he storms out
-Mouth doesn't think Millie should be a model - of course he does. Apparently going out one night means she's now a anorexic coke head.
-Alex decides to show Julian she's not stupid. I hope this means we have a spelling bee in our future.
-Nope, she wears a business suit and apologizes. He is overwhelmed by her professional attire and decides to work with her again. Again just like me
-Tom brady is up to 51 points - considering becoming a patriots fan. Of course this means Matt ryan will go for 35 points and I'll lose because Brandon Jacobs decided to suck this week (or really this season)
-Nathan holds a full on press conference with Haley to explain himself to a rapt press corp (I believe there were more reporters for this than when Obama was inaugurated)
-Millie decides to be a model - I hope this leads to mouth skipping town and Millie to get a tattoo
-Episode ends with Haley looking through old cell phone bills and finding the groupies number.
-Wait episode really ends with Dan walking up to groupie and telling her he has a proposition for her. He then bites down on a stick of licorice in a sinister manner. You think I'm kidding.

One Tree Hill - Believe Me I'm Lying

Alright I realize this is three one tree hill posts in a row, but I haven't had time to see anything else. That'll change this weekend...maybe.

-Nathan is so worked up by his groupie scandal that he stopped working out. Apparently there's a chance he won't be signed because of this potential paternity suit. This disconnect from the reality of the NBA never ceases to amuse me.
-They have Jaime choose three different cereals before Haley lets him have one. I counted four different logos.
-I need to become the hair gel provider for this show. Julian and the guy who plays Nathan's agent Clay must easily go through five cans a day.
-Nathan's work outs consist of bench pressing in his backyard while his agent counts. I'm sure David Falk does the same thing
-Haley buys all the copies of the national informer (apparently the enquirer wouldn't pony up) in Tree Hill once the scandal breaks. Apparently the internet doesn't exist in there. However the other seven year olds have access to newstands as they read the story to jaime in the park to taunt him. No Joke one says, "My Mom says they wouldn't put this in if it wasn't true. You're dad's screwed"
-Haley's sister still won't say why she walked out on her seemingly normal husband (other than some nonsense about her changing and he didn't). I'm pulling for him to have been murdering drifters in his spare time. Or she's just a crazy irrational chick. In this show I'm not sure which is more likely.
-Just flipped to full screen mode. Apparently One Tree Hill finally shifted to HD. I guess that's what a 1 share on Monday nights will get you
-The promo for next week shows Haley being arrested for Assault and Battery. I hope she beat up Mouth and Milly...or Jaime (that's right I made a child abuse joke)
-Wow a model cattier than Alex (named McKenna) and insults Milly and Alex. Alex retaliates by giving the model a Limbaugh sized dose of what I assume to be Oxycontin. Forcing somebody into an overdose...well played
-So Haley's sister's issue with her husband is that two years ago they decided not to impulsively move across the country because a better opportunity would open up where they were in the near future (which it did). She said she was fine with that decision then but the person she is now wouldn't have made it because she regrets not having used those two years to screw around. Since she says her husband now would still make the former decision (even though he says he's totally open to change) she asks for a divorce. Women are crazy
-Alex gets Milly to model in the fashion show to help her self esteem and get back at mean model McKenna, oooh the slutty rehabbing model/actress isn't all bad...maybe even has a heart of gold
-Wow the fashion show features a performance by a band called the Noisettes, and would you look at that, I can apparently buy their album 'Don't Upset The Rhythm.' Can an appearance on the Starburst Summer concert tour be far behind?
-Haley ironed her hair straight to attend the fashion show. Bold Choice
-Brooke has moment of inspiration and has Millie walk out in a wife beater on which she writes with a magic marker 'Zero is not a size' which the crowd finds to be the height of daring fashion. Also the fact that her fashion line is for 'normal' sized women strikes every one as cutting edge (which apparently is evidenced by the fact that the show featured 9 traditional models and one actress who was a size 1 instead of zero)
-The Noisettes are back
-Mouth refuses to read the story of Nathan's 'affair' on the air and is fired. Suuuure
-Apparently Millie was supposed only appear in one episode but they loved her so much that they asked her back. Can we go back to the whole only appearing in one episode thing?
-Clay punches out Quinn's drunk (understandably so) husband, then turns down Alex's advances because now that he knows Quinn is available. I mean why wouldn't he turn down the hot model to go after the crazy unreasonable recently separated chick?
-The closing scene features the Noisettes 'Sometimes'
-Quinn drives off with Clay in fron tof her husband just to really stick it to him
-Have you heard of this band the Noisettes? I guess they have some buzz around them
-The groupie confronts Haley in front of the papparazzi and gets slapped. Really, that's what's considered assault and battery? Lucky Shawn Merriman wasn't around

And we're done, some good moments but this season has yet to really approach the greatness I know the show is capable of. Come on guys, get it together

One Tree Hill - Hold My Hand as I'm lowered

Well tonight we're getting a special live viewing of this illustrious program. Why would I pass up on the opportunity to watch it in a fifteen minute shorter increment and without helpful side ads and factoids, you ask? Because screw you that's why. I don't have to explain myself.

-I'm beginning to think that missing the premier may have been a big deal. It appears that One Tree Hill is taking a page from Mad Men's play book and jumping ahead a few years every season. This may also be the last time One Tree Hill is compared to Mad Men (but it shouldn't be)
-We open with Haley looking at the sonogram and pictures of Nathan with a groupie at the party...waiting for the measured conversation where they discuss this maturely and rationally
-Nathan: You Know I didn't do anything right
Haley: You have your arm around here
Nathan: I get asked to pictures with a lot of people
Haley: You should be smart enough to know better (storms off)
Yeah, that's about right
-Dan gets called a murderer on his TV show since, you know, he killed his brother. Seems like a fair point. You'd think this may have come up before since he actually did time for the crime.
-I was wrong Dan's wife isn't the crazy nanny who kidnapped Jaime last season, its the crazy former heroin addicted model who tried to hook up with mouth last season. My Mistake
-Mouth leaves a lizard in the bathroom to scare skills. He calls Jaime (five year old) to help catch it - sound thinking there
-Groupie asks for $200K to go away. Nathan doesn't understand why she would do this. I mean its so unlikely that a woman would try to get extort money from an NBA star. Also according to his agent the Charlotte Bobcats won't re-sign him (to a $20million contract) if there are allegations about him having an illegitimate child, not to mention all the sponsors who will drop him. I guess its a good thing that Shawn Kemp never wanted to play for the Bobcats. But seriously, I love how this show still exists in a universe where a shooting guard worth $20 million dollars would have his career derailed by adultery accusations. The worst thing that happened to Kobe when he was accused of rape was that Nutella dropped him as an endorser
-Brooke has a photo shoot with the crazy (recurring theme here) model who wants to get a piece of Julian. As usual the world class photographer is 22, keeping the show's trend of having all jobs performed by people under 25
-We then have an extended photo shoot montage - odds of there being a cross over promotion? High. Mayve this one can be brought to us by Skittles
-Dan's Motto: When you stand in the light - you get yourself right. Catchy
-We have a flashback to how Dan met Rachel - at a strip club where she doubled as a prostitute. But like I have to tell you that
-Haley actually seems relatively restrained about this, and then takes out her aggression on the agent for proposing that Nathan pay off the groupie. I knew she couldn't keep it in
-Jaime catches the lizard and names it Percy - this kid is going to get beat up repeatedly.
-Ahhh, Jaime gets Skills to admit that he's afraid of moving in with his girlfriend. I know he's the only black guy in town so everyone hates him, but there has to be more people he can talk to
-I'm serioulsy considering getting a Faux Hawk
-Haley crashes Brooke's photo shoot and starts crying

-My head almost just exploded. One Tree Hill's Kate Voegle (Mia) just did a commercial for University of Phoenix. Because all 19 year old rock stars take on-line accounting classes when they're on the road. There's even a shot of her staring at a laptop while sitting on a hotel bed. Must have been between stops on the Starburst Summer Concert Tour. I am so happy right now
-Haley bitches to Brooke and her sister about the whole thing with the groupie. They still think this is going to screw up his contract and they don't know how they can explain this to the kid. Here's a suggestion:
Haley and Nathan: Jaime this woman is lying, and we'll prove it
Jaime: Ok
-Turns out Rachel hired the guy in the crowd to yell at Dan in an effort to goose ratings. He's torn. Who knew the former hooker would be an opportunistic show runner
-They show an ad of a shirtless Nathan endorsing Rainbow Body spray.
-Crazy former Jukie model gives Julian a script to read. I'm sure Brooke will handle this with aplomb.
-The agent gives the groupie an empty envelope and tells her to go to hell. It. Is. On.
-We get a little slo mo as nathan walks across the backyard and sits down next to Jaime on the swingset. Seriously

I gotta say I've been a little dissapointed by this season so far. I hate to say it but I think I miss Peyton and Lucas. They were the rigth blend of self-seriousness and absolute insanity that really drove the shows genius. I'm not giving up yet though.